NEW SOUTH — Over the din of the twenty three person party in New South dormitory 349 it became increasingly clear to outside observers that freshmen Nate Schumer (COL ’18) and Bridget Friedland (SFS ’18) were successfully concealing the fact they were large nerds in high school while hitting on each other. “Can I get […]
HARBIN — Citing an abundance of evidence of anti-New Jersey stigma amongst his peers Freshman Clayton Peters (COL ’18) began telling all he encountered he hails from the “NYC area.” “Listen, I’m just trying to sound the slightest bit cultural and original here,” said Peters who lives one hour and twenty minutes in current traffic […]
POTOMAC, MD — In a swift turn of events Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Hama’s Khaled Meshaal agreed to an immediate cessation of hostilities and tentatively agreed in principle to a lasting two state solution between Israel and Palestine in large part to a social media post made by sophomore Anita Howard (SFS ’17). […]
WASHINGTON — In a damning blow to rising seniorʼs hopes that they can exercise some control over their date of graduation, the surgeon general released a report stating that “diet and exercise are almost entirely uncorrelated in postponing the inevitability of graduation. The two page document, released Monday to senior audiences eager to learn how they can avoid graduation, […]
GEORGETOWN — George “The Man” McCallister (COL ’18) was the self-reported king of his high school. He was the starting full back for his football team, he had the prettiest girl on his arm, students and educators alike deferred to him on a daily basis. “During my junior year, I had to sue Ambericombe and Fitch […]
NEW SOUTH — Speaking to reporters assembled around his New South desk, freshman Garret Fletcher (COL ’18) told reporters on Tuesday that he is “straight up” out of fun facts after four days of New Student Orientation (NSO).Even according to his most liberal simulations before arriving at Georgetown, Fletcher believed that he would be able to survive the first month […]
PHILADELPHIA — As he packed for his return to Georgetown University for his Sophomore year, Sam Brown (COL ’18) realized he had neglected to prepare a response for the inevitable barrage of “how was your summer?” questions.With a 9 am train the next morning into Union Station, Brown called an emergency joint session of his […]
DARNALL — Approximately 30 minutes after hugging her parents goodbye in the Darnall Hall lobby, Freshman Mackenzie Koch (MSB ʼ18) told an assembled room of reporters, her new roommate, friends from high school, and passer-bys she managed to strike up conversation with that she is “absolutely and hopelessly in love with Georgetown.” While opening her […]