STANFORD, CA—A new study published this week by economic researchers at Stanford University made a shocking finding regarding the unequal distribution of the nations wealth of Wes Anderson films. Published last Monday, it reveals that the top 1% of donors to Senator Bernie Sanders’ 2016 presidential bid, in fact, own 85% of the entire country’s supply of […]

DARNALL HALL – After yet another night of failing to get even a lick of frightening in, the monster that lives under your bed reportedly complained that your masturbation sessions are becoming unbearably frequent, making it practically impossible to get any work done whatsoever. “The RA on duty has yet to respond to a single […]

DUBUQUE, IA – Election experts took note on Monday as Democratic “presidential” candidate Martin O’Malley held his most energizing campaign rally yet in front of approximately 1,200 equally vanilla supporters and passersby, what many are calling the clearest sign yet of the latent strength in his vice presidential bid. O’Malley has been conducting a steadfast […]

  BETHESDA, MD – A recent study conducted by the FDA found that morphine has taken the title of “best medicine” from its longstanding holder, laughter. “The sweet song of my grandkids’ laughter helps me forget about the constant pain I’m in and brings me to a place of peace, but if all I have to […]

WASHINGTON, DC – What began as an innocent game of “what-if” has quickly spiraled out of control for native District resident Alexander Polinski, 25. “Normally she asks something like ‘what would you do if I gained weight?’ or ‘what would you do if I ended up just like my mother?’ But that Saturday she started […]

HEALY HALL – Senior Vice President of Administrative Coordination & Efficiency Bennet Hughes announced today the creation of a redundant task force that will seek out ways to improve efficiency with Georgetown’s generally redundant bureaucracy. “The task force will be tasked with reducing inefficiency and practices that are not optimally designed and will encompass a […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Upon noticing that you and your friends were about to head out, that acquaintance who just seems a little off eagerly informed you that he was free for a while, and “would love to tag along with you guys,” while doing that weird forced grin thing he is always doing. “Awesome. This […]

HEALY HALL – After months of discussions between the two sides, representatives for the Bipartisan Anti-Hair Legion of DeGioia (BALD) have officially announced that negotiations to salvage university president John DeGoia’s hairline will be suspended indefinitely. “We’ve been locked in discussions with The Hair Is Not A Neglected Issue Now, DeGoia (THINNING) to reach an […]

BOSTON – A team of physicians at MIT has released the results of a comprehensive study that found the controversial practice of cracking knuckles pretty fucking annoying. “We analyzed data from thousands of people and came definitively to the conclusion that cracking your knuckles is goddamn irritating,” said lead researcher Jean Bidault. “Reports from strangers […]

HEALY HALL – In a landmark decision announced late Friday night, the Department of Public Safety voted to replace all student guards stationed at each Georgetown residence hall with the bouncers of the popular weekend revelry venue, Brown House.   The decision comes as a result of the recent spike in campus burglaries, exposures, and […]