WASHINGTON – Former Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he is prematurely terminating his presidential campaign. After struggling to gain a foothold in the polls, due to what political analysts call “having nothing to offer,” Pence decided against bringing his campaign to a four year term, and will return to his home in Indiana […]

The second Industrial Revolution has ushered in the era of the degenerate and the sinner. Accelerated by a rise in corporate capitalism, more and more of our supposed “free thinkers” are being poisoned by vice-stricken technology. According to sources trusted by The Heckler, new polls now reveal that more American teenagers listen to rap music […]

“Why do I always get the weird ones?” After getting your randomly assigned partners for the first group project of the semester, it may seem like the next few weeks are going to consist of awkward interactions, futile attempts to find common free time in schedules to organize meeting times, and legitimate considerations of transferring […]

GEORGETOWN – After Georgetown’s Lecture Fund announced an event next Monday featuring a moderated conversation with leaders of The Satanic Temple, Georgetown Catholic Ministry responded by announcing their own counter event: a prayer service. Historically, prayer has offered a very effective solution to many problems in American society: gun violence, natural disasters, and pedophile priests. […]

The infamous coffee chat. You pick a slot on the Google spreadsheet for whatever consulting club you’re convinced will guarantee you success right out of college. You wear your best casual yet slightly professional outfit and meet an apathetic, low-level authority figure member of the club. Wow, Uncommon Grounds is playing Eye of the Tiger, […]

RED SQUARE — It was a solemn occasion this Tuesday as Red Square filled with mourners for what could have theoretically been a tree on campus. Hosted by Right to Life, the event began with a poignant speech acknowledging that because the acorn looked to be at least 6 weeks old and had the potential […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY—After shock flooding in Georgetown’s second-year dorm, Village C West, students were further terrified by what appeared to be the presence of a shark. “It definitely seems dangerous,” Kasey Rall (CAS ‘26) said when asked her opinion of the shark. “The shark almost bit my roommate’s leg off!” added Ronald Abbot (SFS ‘26). As […]

This afternoon, the Office of Planning and Facilities Management sent out an email announcing the demolition of Henle Village was to begin this June. However, the rat who lives in my Henle did not see this message, because he does not have a Georgetown Email. He still uses AOL. Currently my Henle’s rat has no […]

The Heckler sent at least one correspondent (there might have been more, but we do not dare speak to each other) to the 95th Diplomatic Ball, whose name suggests the presence of diplomats, but more importantly the presence of big balls in my face. We will deliver our verdict with haste: there were far too […]

I’ve traveled the seven seas. I’ve explored lands far and wide. I’ve fought battles and slain beasts- and yet never have I felt a pain like that which the Royal Jacket Meatball Sub™ has latterly bestowed upon me. As I sit, perched atop my porcelain throne, all I can do is pray to all that […]