COLUMBIA HEIGHTS. Despite promising Himself that He would be a more responsible spender this holiday season, Our Almighty Heavenly Father conceded this afternoon that he had recently made an impulse purchase of several trillion galaxies at his local Target. “Ugh,” God told the Heckler, holding His head in His hands, “Where am I going to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. In what is being called an unprecedented step in combating sexual assault, Georgetown University officials confirmed Tuesday that the Theater Studies Department will be offering a new course in not exposing one’s self to women while on set. The University’s decision comes amidst a growing number of sexual assault and harassment allegations against […]

CAPITOL HILL – Newly elected Louisiana Senator John Kennedy excitedly bounded up the steps of the Capitol Building on his most-recent visit to the Senate chambers. “I certainly know I’m not the most famous John Kennedy who has served in this building!” he laughed to himself as he passed through the heavily oak-paneled doors that […]

KALAMAZOO, MI. Calling it a defining moment in the 7th grader’s life, sources confirmed that Linden Grove Middle School student, Charlie Thompson, had been given a fun new nickname by his friends that makes reference to the 13 year old’s weight. “Originally I had hoped that I would be seen in the group for more […]

HEALY HALL. Apparently under the impression that he was teaching the assembled US Political Systems class, Jackson Wagner (SFS ‘20) made certain that the entire class knows that while the teacher’s interpretation of the reading was correct, at least on the surface, there were several major issues with it.   While usually confining himself to […]

Can You Convince Your Jesuit Professor To Give You God’s Hotmail Address? God doesn’t respond to your prayers, but maybe He’ll respond to your emails.   You want God’s email address so you can ask Him how long you’re supposed to microwave Chef Boyardee ravioli meat for. How do you initially broach this subject with […]

BURLEITH. At around four o’clock this afternoon, Georgetown senior Kyle Wallace returned to his home in Burleith to find his housemate, fellow senior David McDaniels, lying dead following what appeared to be an extremely colorful overdose of Sharpie sniffing. The scene was described by on-site police as “horrifying, yet splendorous – like a great fallen […]

DARNALL HALL. A groundbreaking study from the National Institute of Health rocked Georgetown’s Student Health Services late last night, inciting major controversy with its claim that the price paid for the accuracy of rectal thermometers is several minutes of excruciatingly awkward chit chat. This was a blow below the belt to the Georgetown medical community, […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. The Georgetown Genetics department released a report Monday that 50% of Hoyas inbreed with other Hoyas. After years of research, the research team has produced the first comprehensive account of the heinous side effects of Hoyas’ high intermarriage rate. The research team was headed by Dr. Lucas Sullivan, director of the Genetics department […]