After the Georgetown basketball’s decisive 79-72 victory over the Syracuse Orange, Hoya Blue member Steve Parlo (COL ’17) is ready to shed his earthly desires and achieve interminable peace. “That was a great game. I will no longer experience pain. I will no longer age. I have escaped my worldly condemnation to death. My flames of greed are extinguished and my soul […]

LEAVEY CENTER – Following several minutes of grueling, in-depth research, The Hoya’s Editorial Board concluded that their subject doing something, but they need to do more. “We’re happy with what’s happening, but this brain trust knows that it’s not enough,” said Editorial Board member Gabe Driscoll, adding that the subject at hand is too important […]

HEALY HALL — In response to growing neighborhood concerns about Student Neighborhood Assistance Program (SNAP) incident response times, the university announced on Thursday that it had purchased a Boeing AH-64E Apache helicopter for use by a highly trained team of SNAP administrators. “Georgetown remains committed to holding up its end of the 2010 Campus Plan agreement, […]

CAR BARN – Spooked by a thunderstorm the likes of which this city has never seen, a restless Toyota Camry knocked over a lit oil lamp Friday and sent Car Barn up in flames. “Fire was a doozy. North-western winds fanned dang blaze toward Halcyon House, flames so high could reach the pearly gates,” said […]

RALEIGH, NC — Upon returning home Wednesday for the first time in four months, freshman Jake Labour (COL ’19) was promptly reminded by relatives he had not seen in years that he was just a scrawny, weak little pussy the last time everyone saw him.  “It’s so nice to see him not sucking his thumb or shitting […]

BATON ROUGE, LA – In front of a crowd of amused reporters on Wednesday, the GOP continued its quadrennial tradition of pardoning one candidate for president from having to continue mounting a bid for the White House. “Don’t worry, there are more than enough of these guys still around for everyone to enjoy. You are hereby pardoned […]

“I get it, but do you have to say it like that?” asked Erica Laughton (SFS ’17), who was on her way to International Trade, and did not plan on seeing a 6-foot shame apparatus.  

TUCSON, AZ – Jared Callahan, a man who has never worked a day in his life and who does not speak a word of English, is being completely supported by a pair of hard-working Americans. Chad Callahan, a software engineer, and his wife Laura Callahan, a schoolteacher, are expected to provide and care for his […]

WILTON, CT – Following a visit from TJ Hardy’s Plumbing & Heating regarding a leaky kitchen faucet, area legal teen Riley Vixen was reportedly dismayed by her plumber’s desire to fix her literal pipes. “I leaned in real close and told him he could make this a quick in-and-out job with his electric eel, but he just told […]

Prospect Street – Local landlord Thomas Wilkinson noted that something seemed “pretty off” with his property at 3356 Prospect St. as multiple fire crews worked to extinguish a raging fire that had engulfed the townhouse.   “I can’t be 100% sure, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that the house was not on fire when […]