HEALY HALL – Addressing a group of alumni donors today, Georgetown University president Jack DeGioia touted the university’s embrace of diversity, but underlined that it “does not include Kevin.”   “When you make a gift to Georgetown, you are supporting an educational mission that embraces people from all walks of life,” DeGioia told the crowd. “Our […]

CAR BARN —  The wait is finally over.  In anticipation of the snow filled months ahead, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick has proudly unveiled a new option for the ride sharing company’s Eskimo customers: Uber Dog Sled.   “For years, our northern customers have been asking for a winter option for travel to which they’re more […]

  RED SQUARE—In an effort to “promote like peace and understanding man,” Georgetown hippies have pressured the University to recognize Red Square as a “free love zone.”     “We just like need somewhere to hang out and come together” said Flower Moon (SFS ’17), one of the hippies, adding that Red Square “has the […]

RED SQUARE — Raúl Morales (COL ’16), who is also an Alaskan Kodiak Bear enrolled in the College, returned from winter break to find that he had a similar experience over the three weeks as many of his classmates.   Morales, as a bear, spent December first eating approximately 200% of his body weight in […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR 311— While admitting that the department chair will “probably raise hell about this,” Sociology Professor Bill Valentine waived the course’s enrollment cap and signed the add/drop form of the embalmed corpse of Andrew Jackson to allow the deceased former president to take his “Sociology of Dying” course. “I’ve heard the University’s rationale about cracking […]

GEORGETOWN HOTEL — In a school-wide address last Tuesday, University President John DeGioia lamented that Georgetown, a university with an on-campus hotel, is in dire need of student housing to meet its 2027 campus plan requirements.   Georgetown, whose on-campus hotel is capable of holding over 500 people at a single time, has been forced to cordon […]

NEVILS — Within thirty minutes of receiving her key from the LXR RHO, Junior Mary Cosgrove (SFS ’16) reportedly had already condensed her more than four months living in Scotland to six words in conversation. “Really good! Glad to be back,” Cosgrove repeatedly told different acquaintances upwards of a dozen times Tuesday afternoon throughout campus […]

HEALY HALL—In a move to “bring the University back to its Catholic identity,” conservative professors say that they will be conducting Problem of God classes entirely in Latin this semester.   The movement is being spearheaded by Professor Gregor the Pius, who when asked for comment, posited, “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet consectetuer” before nodding benevolently […]

ATLANTA, GA — Saying “a lot of stuff just came up,” Sophomore Aaron Sergio (COL ’17) informed assembled reporters that his objective of getting into shape over the two week winter break was going to be condensed into tomorrow, January 5th. “I had a pretty detailed, twice a day work out regimen in mind throughout […]