SMITHSONIAN — Metropolitan Police took five members of GU Fossil Free into custody Monday night after they were caught vandalizing the Tyrannosaurus rex fossil in the Smithsonian’s Natural History Museum.   Responding to a call from museum security, the police apprehended the students as they were throwing buckets of yellow paint onto the petrified remains […]

HEALY HALL – In a long-anticipated move, the President’s Office announced the merger of three formerly independent elements of Georgetown College.   The Georgetown School of Barista Studies will begin classes in Spring of 2015, and will incorporate all of the current students and faculty from the English, Philosophy and Theology department.   President DeGioia […]

NEW YORK — The United Nations World Food Programme today announced its plans to air drop lifesaving assistance to refugees stranded in the Leo J. O’Donovan’s pasta line.   Following a unanimous security council resolution the organization pledged roughly 2,000 tons of food in emergency aid. “We are pulling out all the stops to keep […]

LAU 2 –“And then we could reference the third info-graph’s secondary purpose in the conclusion! Perfect! I’ve gotta write this down before I forget.”   These were the words that fell upon deaf ears of one Statistical Econometrics group project several nights ago.   According to a source who would only speak with The Heckler […]

University President Jack DeGioia announced today that the potential 3rd year meal-plan was no longer in consideration during a press conference with his mother, Elaine. “I heard that my son John has been a little bit mean to some of you” said the elder DeGioia to start the press conference. “Well, he and I had […]

HARBIN — As the calendar marches steadily through October, Hoyas from Southern California have reported that temperatures have dipped below freezing. Students from this area said they have been monitoring the situation for “some time” and now are ready to conclusively declare the temperature as having moved south of the freezing point. The initial reaction […]

COPLEY LAWN — The University announced this week that they would be organizing a “second tier” Student Activities Fair that will allow the campus’s least enticing clubs to recruit students who were rejected by the exclusive ones. The fair is scheduled to be held next Saturday, after students’ last hopes of being accepted into one […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR – In a press conference last Tuesday, representatives of Georgetown School of Psychology announced that the newly installed web of temporary walkways cropping up around campus is part of a large-scale psychology experiment testing the intelligence quotas (IQs) of Georgetown University students. Following months of planning, researchers determined that the installation of labyrinthine and […]