BATON ROUGE, LA – In front of a crowd of amused reporters on Wednesday, the GOP continued its quadrennial tradition of pardoning one candidate for president from having to continue mounting a bid for the White House. “Don’t worry, there are more than enough of these guys still around for everyone to enjoy. You are hereby pardoned […]

“I get it, but do you have to say it like that?” asked Erica Laughton (SFS ’17), who was on her way to International Trade, and did not plan on seeing a 6-foot shame apparatus.  

TUCSON, AZ – Jared Callahan, a man who has never worked a day in his life and who does not speak a word of English, is being completely supported by a pair of hard-working Americans. Chad Callahan, a software engineer, and his wife Laura Callahan, a schoolteacher, are expected to provide and care for his […]

WILTON, CT – Following a visit from TJ Hardy’s Plumbing & Heating regarding a leaky kitchen faucet, area legal teen Riley Vixen was reportedly dismayed by her plumber’s desire to fix her literal pipes. “I leaned in real close and told him he could make this a quick in-and-out job with his electric eel, but he just told […]

Prospect Street – Local landlord Thomas Wilkinson noted that something seemed “pretty off” with his property at 3356 Prospect St. as multiple fire crews worked to extinguish a raging fire that had engulfed the townhouse.   “I can’t be 100% sure, but I’ve got this nagging feeling that the house was not on fire when […]

THE TOMBS – After an unexpected Tombs visit from former Head of State and Georgetown alumnus Bill Clinton (SFS ’68), multiple sources confirm that Clinton was indeed looking underneath the cushions of booth #3 for his old weed money. “Every time I would step away from the table, I could see him frantically feeling the […]

U.S. — After listening to SiriusXM Hits 1 in their Honda CR-Vs for hours every week on their way to and from work, every mom in the United States is now gleefully bobbing their heads and humming along to Maroon 5. “Sugar… Yes Please… duh dah duh dah nah nuh nah nuh nah,” said Mary Harnette, one of […]

DUPONT CIRCLE – Encouraged by the success of cat cafés like Crumbs and Whiskers, local entrepreneur Regina Sanders has put her own twist on the animal restaurant concept with the opening of her new smoothie bar, Howls and Blenders. Instead of filling the shop with playful and adorable kittens, Sanders opted for using deranged, feral […]

STANFORD, CA—A new study published this week by economic researchers at Stanford University made a shocking finding regarding the unequal distribution of the nations wealth of Wes Anderson films. Published last Monday, it reveals that the top 1% of donors to Senator Bernie Sanders’ 2016 presidential bid, in fact, own 85% of the entire country’s supply of […]

DARNALL HALL – After yet another night of failing to get even a lick of frightening in, the monster that lives under your bed reportedly complained that your masturbation sessions are becoming unbearably frequent, making it practically impossible to get any work done whatsoever. “The RA on duty has yet to respond to a single […]