SESAME STREET – In a move unforeseen by the Sesame Street Fandom, Oscar the Grouch has officially quit the cast of Sesame Street to become a homeless rights advocate following an incident on set last week. This news came in a press conference last Friday when PBS spokesperson Erika Dinkle clarified the inciting event. Apparently, […]

1. Go to Old Mrs. McCreary’s House This is a good option because all the neighborhood kids know to avoid mean old Mrs. McCreary’s house. It’s the big old ramshackled thing on the hill with ivy advancing up its yellow sides, always dark save a candle in the front room. Jackson Hughes swears he heard […]

It was a most unusual mass.  Good Catholics at Dahlgren Chapel were blessed with a much too salty surprise when during Fr. Carnes’ homily, it was discovered that there was not a single scrap of communion lying around. Luckily, some loose red Pringles cans leftover from last month’s food donation drive was their salvation. “We […]

ROSSLYN – An unassuming Thursday afternoon of family bonding led to one of the greatest war-history discoveries of the modern era. While looking through his father’s old World War II memorabilia, Connor Potter stumbled upon a tarnished old locket with his mother’s initials engraved on the side. When he opened the locket, however, he was […]

As I approached the picnic table at the edge of the woods where Jenny was joining me for coffee, I noticed her immediately–her neon complexion and red cashmere scarf painting a beautiful contrast against the dead leaves. She waved a pincer at me. Her warm personality shone as soon as I gently patted her head […]

Everyone knows that the whole point of therapy is to convince your therapist that you’re completely fine. Right? But we at the Heckler know that it can be hard to gauge how convincing you’ve been. If you’ve been saying all the right things, but you just can’t tell if you’re winning at therapy, here are […]

“Alright, you maggots! My name is Sargent Weldman, but as long as you’re here at Parris Island I may as well be God for all you care. From now on you will only speak when spoken to, and the first and last words out of your shit-encrusted mouths will be sir. Do you understand?” “Sir, […]

RIDGEMONT ELEMENTARY –Grammar lessons took an unexpected turn today in Mrs. Eduard’s second grade class. Students returned from recess prepared for one of their standard sessions about the parts of speech but instead got something much more exciting. They learned how some words are not confined to just one categorization. “This was really an eye […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY, D.C.-Last Thursday ambitious plans were revealed for Jack the Bulldog’s tomb, including an elegant adjoining burial chamber for Jack the Bulldog’s cherished student walkers. An enthused office of advancement rep. explained the rationale behind the ambitious project, “Look, we know death is a tough topic for a lot of Hoyas,  but the reality […]