All of us make New Year’s resolutions but for our readers on the lam from the long arm of the law, things are a little more high stakes. Whether you’re looking to drop a few pounds, eat better, or just avoid those nagging questions about that job you pulled a few years back, these places […]

This Saturday night, a hairball fight broke out at a local barbershop slumber party. Lewis Chortle, proprietor of Lewis’ Barbershop, said that the fight began around 11:00 PM, directly after Chortle and his staff finished playing truth or dare. “Every year, I invite the coolest amongst my staff to a sleepover at the shop for […]

Georgetown Just in time for the holiday season, A Capella groups across campus have put their differences aside to stand up, once and for all, against instruments. “A Capella has been a second-class art for hundreds of years, and we’re sick of it,” said Barney Andrews, a bass in the Phantoms and spokesperson for the […]

GEORGETOWN. Earlier today, the odor eliminating power of Febreze proved too weak to vanquish the smell Ryan Harrington (COL ‘20) has been ignorantly nursing and allowing to gain strength. Neighbors previously concerned for Ryan’s health and safety are now calling in expressing fear at whether this monstrous smell could ever be stopped. Despite claims of […]

HEALY HALL. Sitting in the dim glow of a scythe-shaped candelabra, dripping blood-red wax, Georgetown’s Satanist-in-Resident, Clark “Beelzebub” Davis, twirled his fingers around his “There’s No Place Like Hell!” coffee mug. “I don’t know, there’s just something to it all, isn’t there?” Davis reflected, while two unassuming freshman sat on plush throw cushions on the […]

GEORGETOWN. Reporters today were stunned when University President John J. DeGioia sheepishly announced in a press conference that he had “misplaced the endowment” but that he was “sure it’s around here somewhere.” “I don’t know where I could’ve put it,” DeGioia stated before taking questions. “I’ve checked all the usual spots. Under my car seats, […]

THE LIVING ROOM. After falling asleep on the couch whilst three-fourths of the way through a bag of spicy jalapeño Lays potato chips, all signs pointed to the fact that senior Joe Bianchi was down for the count. Or so everyone thought. At 1:36 a.m., fellow living room occupants reported that Joe had reawakened for […]

COPLEY LAWN. American culture is more celebrity obsessed than ever nowadays, and fame more desirable, but rarely do we think about the toll that fame takes on the famous. Georgetown resident groundhog Nathan Nibblin’ has learned this lesson all too well. Many Georgetown students remember his timber tossin’ exploits fondly, but Mr. Nibblin’ has a […]

COLUMBIA HEIGHTS. Despite promising Himself that He would be a more responsible spender this holiday season, Our Almighty Heavenly Father conceded this afternoon that he had recently made an impulse purchase of several trillion galaxies at his local Target. “Ugh,” God told the Heckler, holding His head in His hands, “Where am I going to […]

GEORGETOWN, D.C. In what is being called an unprecedented step in combating sexual assault, Georgetown University officials confirmed Tuesday that the Theater Studies Department will be offering a new course in not exposing one’s self to women while on set. The University’s decision comes amidst a growing number of sexual assault and harassment allegations against […]