RED SQUARE — Junior Lee Presser (MSB ’16) has reportedly brought together a group of 35 students to create the new student group “Georgetown University Association For Various Student Activities and Other Associated Associations of Acronyms,” or GUAFVSAOAAA for short. When asked why he created the group, Presser angrily responded, “I’m sick and tired of […]

Licking his lips and rapidly tapping his fingers on a podium at a press conference on Tuesday, Georgetown University President John J. DeGioia unveiled a tentative plan to construct over 600 gazebos on campus over the next three years. “Gimmi those Gazebos!” shouted a visibly excited and slobbering DeGioia to an audience of confused reporters. […]

YATES FIELD HOUSE— Athletic Department officials at Yates Field House told reporters today that the approximate waiting time for a treadmill at the gym was now four years. With the addition of several dozen underclassman females this weekend, the line finally broke the four year mark and offered new testimony to Georgetown’s health crazed campus. […]

HENLE 44— As the news of the diagnosis of the first case of ebola on American soil, a feeling relief swept through Henle 44 and through David Cartwright (MSB ’17) who has “been having a really rough go about it this semester” in the classroom. After a particularly brutal first few midterms in Elements of […]

PENNSYLVANIA AVE —  The man who jumped the White House fence and entered the building this month “just really, really needed to take a piss,” a Democratic congressman said on Tuesday. Representative Sam Farr (D-MA) told the Georgetown Heckler that he received reliable testimony that suspect Omar Gonzalez, 47, had difficulty finding a bathroom in […]

Monday night, at approximately 10:37 pm, sophomore Kyle Oakpine disappeared while playing intramural football on Kehoe field. Upon noticing his disappearance, fellow Hoyas John Salmon (MSB ’17) and Angelica Weaver (NHS ’17) were noticeably distraught when speaking with school officials. “We told him to stay away from that corner” Angelica stated, “but he just had to […]

THE INTERNET — Early developments have reached the Heckler that an anonymous individual is upset about something on Georgetown Confessions. As early 6 p.m. reports were coming in that a particular post on Georgetown Confessions had a negative tone. While it is still unclear what the content of the post contains, experts are surmising that […]

To the horror of Gilban construction officials and delight of fantasy connoisseurs, Georgetown University came under attack this week after the felling of trees in the Northeast Triangle upset a group of ents. As construction began on a new student dormitory, several trees—among the largest and last remaining on campus—had to be removed from the […]