In a bid to respond to Georgetown’s lack of future student housing and to rekindle America’s long-dormant fascination with space exploration, University administrators have proposed a $500 billion satellite satellite campus, which will rotate in a geosynchronous orbit just beyond Earth’s thermosphere. When pressed on the practicality of such an expensive endeavor, Vice President for […]

When senior SFS students Lawrence Pullman and Olivia Farley met their sophomore year, they didn’t have much in common. From opposite coasts and with completely different family backgrounds, they struggled to find any similarities. But eventually they became infatuated with each other, bonding over their mutual love of hiking and realism. In an interview with […]

Henle- A recently announced change to campus drinking laws allowing for wine and beer to be consumed outdoors in certain areas of Village A and Henle has caused a substantial increase in stoop-originated insults and catcalls. Students walking through both areas have reported numerous instances of being told that their “outline looks damn good,” to […]

Greetings, sun-bleached readers! It’s me, the editor of The Georgetown Heckler. I hope you all had fulfilling and arrest-free summers. But now another year begins which means another year to join a bunch of clubs that may or not be relevant to any of your interests. Now normally I would advise against joining any clubs. […]

It was my understanding that Georgetown University used to be an open and tolerant campus; a place where those wishing to pursue their academic interests could do so to the fullest extent possible and with the guarantees afforded to us as citizens of a free nation. So it came as a shock to me when […]

(The following was submitted to the Heckler office covered in slobber and paw prints) Hi there, it’s me, JJ. Remember me, your former-future mascot? Well, I know that many of you are as unhappy about leaving as I am, so I wanted to let you know what really happened that fateful day last fall. Some […]

Following a recent policy change barring students from owning cars on or near campus except in special circumstances, the ANC voted today to just simplify the process and erect a wall between 35th and 36th streets, ensuring that students not spillover their “noisy, beer-sodden lifestyles” into the upper class neighborhood. The policy was made without […]

Greetings, sexy readers, it’s me, the editor of The Georgetown Heckler, and I am thrilled to announce that our website has recovered from its crash. I’m sure you noticed that we crashed, because…well…of course you did. Following some minor emotional breakdowns and bourbon-fuelled crying episodes we are once again fully operational and ready to disperse […]

Dear Dahlgren Chapel Vandals, I would like to preface this letter by saying that I rarely feel moved to speak out on the twaddle I read in The Hoya.  Between leading the unsuspecting off the path of righteousness, tormenting the souls of the damned, and shooting skeet with Wayne LaPierre, I am a terribly busy […]

In a press conference last week, Director of Residence Life Katie Lynch put an end to the dispute of whether the RA position stands for “Resident Advisor” or “Resident Assistant;” instead, she sheepishly announced that it actually stands for “Really Awkward.” In an effort to increase inter-departmental transparency, Residence Life finally announced that the well-known […]