photo via FoxNews.com/AP WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has run into trouble employing rhetoric regarding national security, as each reference to the looming threat of domestic terrorist attacks has been met with charmed cooing. The GOP presidential candidate’s emphasis on potential danger has been continually countered by his rosy cheeks and a pubescent […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – DC Mayor Muriel Bowser stated at a press conference Monday afternoon that the city’s law enforcement officials will roll out a new policing plan to legalize only the dopest, black gold chronic. “The council and I are seeing to it that the voice of the people takes priority, which is why any […]

LONDON – Citing each UK male citizen’s “timeless duty to her royal loins,” Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decreed yesterday that she will reinstate the medieval practice of prima nocta, effective immediately. Prima nocta is a lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night. The practice had disappeared from the United Kingdom by […]

HAMILTON, OH – According to a report released Wednesday by researchers at the University of Florida, Islam is now Uncle Drew’s fastest-growing misunderstanding and is likely to overtake The Illegals by 2025. “Family members report a significant uptick in the frequency of forwarded emails about Islamberg, NY and America under Sharia Law,” said the report’s lead author, […]

TULSA, OKLAHOMA – James Lewis (MSB ’18) returned home on Thursday relieved to find that his life away from Georgetown is exactly as empty as he remembered it.   “The entire drive home I was haunted by these images of people in my hometown having plenty of things to do every night, high school acquaintances […]

  NEW YORK – On Sunday, Lorne Hershing, a 22 year old Queens native, woke up elated to find his social media news feeds crowded with tributes to mothers accompanied by pictures worthy of his collection. “Yes, a great harvest! This what I wait all year for – this is my Christmas morning,” said Hershing as he dragged […]

WASHINGTON, DC – An insider for the Heckler has confirmed reports that Mitch Dawson (COL ’18) has become involved in DC’s underground organ trade syndicate after attempting to sell back this semester’s textbooks.   Reportedly disenchanted with the offers from various options on campus for book buy-back, Dawson began to seek out other avenues through […]

  ATHENS – In an effort to earn hard currency for repaying his country’s national debt, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has spent the past month moonlighting as a burlesque dancer at an Athens nightclub.   Local papers reported Tsipras’ employment at The Randy Satyr, a club in Athens’ seedy Omonia Square neighborhood where the […]

Hillary and Bill Clinton both made campaign stops at Georgetown in April for Hillary’s presidential bid , vying for 0 electoral votes in the race to 270.  

RED SQUARE – On Friday, Jessica Tillowitz (SFS ’17) marked her 36th visit to a GU Grilling Society (GUGS) event in an attempt to make member Anthony Meyer (COL ’15) notice her.  Tillowitz has reportedly gained upwards of 20 lbs from the endeavor, buying multiple burgers per occasion for the added “face time”.   “I’m […]