HEALY – Coinciding with the massive spike in the cost of higher education, along with the growing prospects of underemployment, thousands of American high school seniors have opted to explode upwards of $200,000 as a better use of their money.     “Explosions are fucking sweet,” explained 18 year old Charlie Burns, a graduating high […]

ST. MARY’S HALL: A ground-breaking new report released this week by the Department of Mathematics reveals that exactly 50% of Georgetown students are ‘below average’ in their academic performance.   The report has been received by many with uproar and shock.   “Frankly, I’m astonished,” said student body president Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15). “We all […]

NEBRASKA- Following the revelations that the 268,738 residents of Lincoln, Nebraska were simply illusions, authorities have declared the supposed state capital to be entirely fictional. “It was a good game while it was on, but eventually you get rusty and make a few slips,” said man behind the hoax Albert The Amazing Magic Man, as […]

ICC—The Planning Committee for the 90th Annual Diplomatic Ball announced yesterday that because of budget cuts, the Diplomatic Ball will take place in a first-floor ICC bathroom. “We’re doing our best to save money by holding the event on campus this year,” said spokesperson Jenna Coleman (MSB ’15). “We feel that the easy access to […]

ROSSLYN METRO- Failing to recognize the futility of reaching ground level in escaping a world as wicked as this, local man Jeremy Bodian recently sprinted up Rosslyn’s escalator at a breakneck pace despite the unremitting demons of his gruesome past. “That escalator is frickin’ huge.  As soon as I saw it, I was like, ‘you […]

NEVILS –Tyler Farrin (NHS, ’16) recently reaffirmed to his friends, family members, and classmates that he has no plans to remove or cover his neck tattoo of Belgian-Australian musician Gotye.   Swearing that the portrait “doesn’t even mean anything” to him anymore and that “it just looks cool, is all,” Farrin claims that he sees […]

Birdman Director’s Tux is strange, beautiful, unique—a profoundly entertaining masterpiece

DENVER, CO – Following the discovery of three hikers’ frozen corpses on a remote mountain slope, the Coors Brewing Company announced today that it will present all three hikers with its prestigious Rocky Mountain Cold Award.   “We wanted to honor these brave individuals who experienced levels of cold only paralleled by the feeling of […]

HENLE- In a breaking news update, sophomore Jack Henderson (Col ’17) has informed Heckler reporters that he will not be having a “hella dope spring break with the boys” after all.   Mere moments before submitting his deposit on the resort and purchasing his plane ticket, guaranteeing him fun in the sun down in Mexico, […]

ANAHEIM- Disneyland visitors were treated to a special interactive amusement park attraction last weekend as they took part in a historical reenactment of a measles outbreak. Many customers were excited to experience the deadly disease in real life. Joe Grawson, a park visitor, said, “Seeing such a famous viral infection spread from unvaccinated child to […]