HEALEY FAMILY STUDENT CENTER — Set to open Friday, The Hilltoss – The Corp’s new Salad and Smoothie Shop in the Healey Family Student Center – has been delayed indefinitely as a result of a rabbit infestation.According to the CEO of the Corp, the infestation was entirely unexpected. “We planned for all the usual hangups […]

LAUINGER — In a research consultation held Thursday for ANTH-001: Intro to Cultural Anthropology, Senior Research Librarian Miriam O’Neil reportedly gave students an extensive Google lesson.   Attendees said O’Neil showed near mastery of skills like typing in search words, scrolling through multiple results, and finally, selecting an article to read.   “These students have […]

HARBIN — A pair of visiting parents arriving for the weekend were reportedly “livid” at the quality of alcohol in their son’s dorm room.   Joseph Antonelli (COL ‘18), a resident of Harbin 4, was shocked when he showed his parents his dorm room, but said he “probably deserved it.”   “The first thing my […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to “not let the New World Order destroy us like it has the rest of the country,” Georgetown University registrar Jessica Maloney has requested that all tuition bills be paid with anonymous and deregulated cryptocurrency Bitcoin.   In an email sent early Thursday morning, Maloney explained her decision to collect […]

COPLEY LAWN – At approximately 11 am this morning newly-trained tour guide Jon Diamond (COL ‘16), a caucasian, upper class resident hailing from Wyckoff, New Jersey was heard touting Georgetown’s diversity to a visiting group of upper class caucasian high schoolers and their parents from Ridgewood, New Jersey.   Diamond reportedly talked about the “crazy” […]

HEALY HALL – University officials released a statement this week admitting that fire drills are really just the school’s effort to get students to take a break from studying and “go outside for once in their goddamn lives.”   “We admire all the hard work that our students do, but Jesus Christ some of these […]

HENLE — According to University officials, a minotaur has taken up residence in the labyrinth outside Henle Village over this past weekend.   “I was raised in a labyrinth back home in Crete and just don’t feel at home living anywhere else” said the man-bull hybrid in an interview with The Heckler. “Then I stumbled […]

NEVILS — “It was ruining everything. I was becoming alienated from my freshman roommate, I hated checking my phone, and it just really shows how selfish Jessica is,” said Chelsea Frampton (MSB ‘17).   Reports having been brewing amongst confidential sources for the Georgetown Heckler for some time but last Thursday numerous credible sources confirmed […]