Crude Jester’s Lewd Gesture Screwed Prude Tester’s Food Texture
By Adelaide Mornington | December 18, 2018
Ringo Starr Flings Bingo Card Hard At Gringo Guard’s Flamingo Car
By Henrietta Chesterfield | December 17, 2018
Big Flop: TopShop Cop Stops Iggy Pop Bop Just Before Drop
By Frances Lumley-Saunderson | December 16, 2018
[This story is developing and will be updated as soon as the cop in TopShop allows the Iggy Pop bop to continue popping off]
Gone Home! Non-Chrome Lawn Gnome Pawns Tome, Cons Rome
By Adelaide Mornington | December 14, 2018
ROME – Early Wednesday, the incredible saga of the lawn ornament that tricked Italy drew to a close, as the little fellow left the country with his ill-gotten gains in tow. The garden gnome had spent his time in Rome selling valuable manuscript cards under false pretenses, repelling malleable, nondescript guards and exploiting one of […]
The Heckler Announces Holiday Canned Goods Drive Because We Need Like 10 More To Finish Our Pyramid
By Adelaide Mornington | December 9, 2018
GEORGETOWN, DC– As the holidays near, it is important to think about the Georgetown community as a whole, and what we can do to help out. Whether that means comforting a friend, giving a gift to a family member, or donating some cans (preferably with a cool label like a dragon or something) to the […]
Georgetown Football Really, Really Doesn’t Want Bama, Like At All
By Edith Bulwer Lytton | December 6, 2018
GEORGETOWN – The Georgetown Hoyas football team gathered in silence on Sunday. The reason? The college football playoff selection show. For some teams this occasion would be a cause for applause, but in this small room in the Thompson Athletic Center, you could hear a pin drop. However, sadness did not account for the silence […]
Sad? Font On Healy Lawn Memorial Too Small To Know
By Shackleford Hedgecock, Esq. | December 3, 2018
HEALY LAWN – While most agree that those little memorials on Healy lawn are probably related to some sort of tragedy or cause, students admitted that the sign was just a little too far from the path to actually read it. Most students have agreed that they feel generally sad when they glance at it, but […]
Strange: New Student Group Denies Existence of Sweden
By Bushrod Washington | November 26, 2018
RED SQUARE – Onlookers at the weekly farmer’s market were left baffled when a group of students gathered, insisting that the nordic country of Sweden is completely fabricated. “I was in line to get some bubble tea when all of a sudden I heard a bunch of shouting about Sweden and government lies,” said Alicia […]
How to Ruin Thanksgiving by Getting Drunk and Throwing up in Your Childhood Bathroom
By Horace Harmon Lurton III | November 21, 2018
Step 1: Acquire the commodities. Start the night by locating the alcohol. Pick whatever variety vaguely smells like vomit to you. That means you’ve thrown it up before and it’ll likely be your best bet. *If you’re underage, either wait for your strangely pushy Grandmother to offer you a drink or perhaps opt for snagging […]
