There really is no place like DC in the springtime. The cherry blossoms come out and tourists flock into enjoy them. It’s a whole mess of congestion—both of sinuses and roads. What could be more delightful? After six months on tour with ISIS, I was really looking forward to spending some time in DC. I […]

CALIFORNIA – A group of prominent cannibals, worried about the deleterious effects of high levels of antibiotics in humans, announced Tuesday morning a boycott of all human flesh raised on antibiotics. In a press conference, man-eater Jason Franks called for healthier rearing practices that avoided using antibiotics as a catch-all solution to health problems.   […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR PATIO – Georgetown University President John DeGioia announced today that Professor Valerie Frizzle is the recipient of this year’s Dorothy Brown Award.   Named in honor of former provost Dorothy Brown, the prize is awarded annually by vote of the student body to a professor who demonstrates both excellence in teaching and a commitment […]

WASHINGTON – Responding to the demand for transparency in a climate of growing public skepticism, the U.S. Department of State launched a new facet of their communications strategy on Tuesday – an actively managed Formspring account. Under Secretary for Public Diplomacy and Public Affairs Richard Stengel stated that by expanding the State Department’s social media […]

BAGHDAD – Iraqi officials expressed concern Wednesday evening that the United States has been flirting with younger, hotter conflicts around the Middle East.   “Iraq has been the U.S.’s primary engagement in the Middle East for over a decade, but now we’ve seen pretty obvious displays of the U.S. cozying up to Iran. They’re not […]

7-ELEVEN – Emphasizing a significant improvement in food quality and more accommodating hours of operation, Georgetown Associate Vice President for Auxiliary Business Services Joelle Wiese announced Thursday that a new five-year dining contract has been awarded to a P St. 7-Eleven taquito rotisserie. “We listened to what the students wanted, and we delivered,” said Wiese […]

RED SQUARE – The innovative group opted to advertise the event in the very same place where they intend to “flash mob”

Georgetown administration has taken extensive measures to ensure that no prospective student sees the freshman dorm.

  HEALY- Scientists warned Wednesday morning that an increasingly heated home life will result in the complete elimination of Georgetown President John DeGioia’s hair by 2025. “If current trends continue, we are looking at full baldness in 10 years. That would be an aesthetic catastrophe, the effects of which may be irreversible,” said notable hair […]

LEO O’DONOVAN HALL — Citing the need for more variety in the options at Leo’s Dining Hall, Aramark will add the discarded remains of fair contract proposals to the Salad Bar selection.   “We hope that offering another option like shredded union contract proposals will help to reduce lines and give students an additional healthy […]