LEAVEY CENTER – Despite its failure to release a legitimate platform or budget, both Vox and The Hoya straw polls indicate that the Regret ticket is currently the frontrunner to win the 2015 GUSA executive election.   Garnering support primarily from self-described “students not following the race,” the Regret ticket has skyrocketed to popularity following […]

Recognizing the vital role that satire plays in the conduct of student affairs, the Georgetown Heckler is proud to announce that it is formally withdrawing its endorsement of the Luther-Rohan ticket and is instead endorsing the Chris and Meredith ticket for the GUSA executive 2015 election.   Redefining just how poignant political satire can be […]

Humbert reflects on the tenderness of life, and the soft, forbidden sweetness of a young boy’s cheek     Were there other films before this? There were; of course there were. I was late in arriving to the theatre (traffic, lightning), and not in the most generous of spirits when the house lights gave way […]

HFSC — A last-minute confession of employment as an airline steward from GUSA hopeful Joe Luther (COL ’16) has thrown the election into turmoil.   “I feel as though I must be completely transparent with the public,” said Luther. “For the past two and a half years I have globe-trotted the world, providing assorted refreshments […]

DARNALL HALL – In an act of complete disregard for the future of the university, Sam Hamilton (COL ’18) has reportedly refused to make a customary GUSA Facebook profile picture change.   Hamilton’s roommate, Alex Torrence (SFS ’18), expressed disdain for Hamilton’s political ignorance. “I would consider myself a political junkie, and I guess I […]

RED SQUARE – In a last-minute deviation from their traditional condomgram campaign, H*yas for Choice has begun distributing “NuvaRing Grams” to promote safe sex this Valentine’s Day.   Despite their rigorous promotion of “condomgrams,” in which individuals can purchase condoms for their friends, significant others, and potential sexual partners to be posted on their doors […]

Dear Sophomore Alone On Valentine’s Day, I feel like I’ve hit the Sophomore Slump that everyone talks about, and I’ve been really homesick lately.  Any advice on how to get through the rest of the semester? It’s gonna be a total Galentine’s Day this year. We’ll have to take some super cute pics of us […]

HFSC – A scheduled “Meet and Great” in HFSC for GUSA  Executive candidates Sara Margolis and Ryan Shymansky came to an abrupt ending when a participant accidentally spilled coffee on Shymansky, causing his circuitry to malfunction. Shymansky, whose good looks and smooth demeanor have long been suspected of stemming from him being at least partially robotic, […]

SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch […]

BURLEITH –  As the Healy bells tolled 6 am over a sleepy campus this Thursday morning, one member of the Georgetown community awoke with a start.   “Only four more days until debate,” whispered Rosenberger’s Navy Slim Fit blazer from Men’s Warehouse, its miniscule fibers quivering with nervous energy. “Only four more days until I […]