Conservative Student Privatizes Common Room
By Tom Bombadil | December 14, 2014
MCCARTHY — After weeks of tense negotiations, prominent College Republican Member Michael Applebee (MSB ’17) has successfully negotiated the privatization of McCarthy 5’s common room. The deal, hailed by small-government advocates and conservatives alike, has led to the common room name to be changed to the CAPITAL ONE Space for Long Term Prosperity. […]
Floor Douchebags Competing for Credit Over Destroyed Bathroom Stall
By Heisenberg | December 13, 2014
DARNALL—On Saturday morning, two freshmen were reportedly seen engaging in an intense argument in the Darnall 5 common room over who destroyed the men’s communal restroom handicap stall. Two freshmen, Brad Sartz (MSB ‘18) and Dylan Wazzabi (SFS ‘18) were seen throwing fists for the rights to claim credit for the enormous amount of […]
CAPS Reforms to Include $25 Rollercoaster-Style “Exit Pictures”
By Phil Clinton | December 12, 2014
HENLE — As part of a recent overhaul for the university’s mental health service to deal with the stress of finals week, students can now purchase photographs of themselves taken during the CAPS counseling session. The decision comes after years of consistent criticism of CAPS counseling services. Students who have visited CAPS often report […]
Surge Pricing Pushes Epicurean Quesadilla Price to $25 during Peak Drunk Hours
By Regina Phalange | December 12, 2014
EPICUREAN – Representatives for Epicurean and Co. Restaurant (known colloquially as Epi) recently announced that they would be raising the prices of their quesadillas to $25 during peak drunk hours of one to four AM. “We saw this as a great opportunity to set the price of our quesadillas to what we think they […]
Pope Francis Utterly Perplexed Upon Receipt of Healy Clock Hands
By Ian Cognito | December 11, 2014
THE VATICAN – Pope Francis was reportedly “bewildered” today when a package containing the Healy clock hands turned up on his doorstep. “That’s weird; I don’t remember ordering anything from Amazon,” the 77-year-old pontiff was heard to remark as he examined the UPS box left outside the Domus Sanctae Marthae. After carrying the […]
D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera Named First Team All- ‘Hyphenated Last Name’
By The Professor | December 11, 2014
VERIZON CENTER — Georgetown junior D’Vauntes Smith-Rivera was one of five college basketball players named First Team All-“Hyphenated Last Name” on Wednesday evening, an honor recognized as one of the sport’s best. The junior guard was joined by Kentucky’s Willie Cauley-Stein, Georgia Tech’s Marcus Georges-Hunt, Indiana’s Hanner Mosquera-Parea, and, Michigan freshman Muhammad-Ali Abdur Rahkman […]