IAC CONSTRUCTION SITE – As the 2014-15 season kicks into high gear for the Hoyas Men’s Basketball team, questions about their ability to meet fan’s ever diminishing expectations are coming into focus.   President DeGioia maintains that Head Coach John Thompson III’s job is secure this season, and expressed his confidence in JT III at […]

BALTIMORE, MD – With a growing list of sexual assault allegations piling against him, Bill Cosby’s lawyer announced Friday that he has signed with the Baltimore Ravens.   “We are looking forward to what Bill Cosby brings to our organization,” the Ravens announced in an official statement. “With the loss of Ray Rice earlier this […]

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans for billions of people around the globe were put in jeopardy yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded the North Pole. The precipitating cause of the crisis appears to be Santa Claus’ recent decision to put Putin on the naughty list. “I gave Putin every opportunity to clean up his […]

WHITE GRAVENOR- 65 year old student Joe Tucci (COL ‘17) arrived to class last week proud of his Psychology term paper on schizophrenia. Not only was this veteran of Vietnam and the Carter administration proud of his critical analysis but he beamed as he proudly stated he had typed it. On a computer. “Coming back to […]

LEAVEY CENTER – Realizing the need for accessible contraceptives on campus, Georgetown University administration will now give free cargo shorts as an indirect way for its students to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. Cargo shorts were originally created in 1934 by the Mussolini regime in Italy as a population suppressant. Engineers called the prototype “Pantaloni Astinenza”, […]

From the editor’s desk: As the Heckler’s founding credo succinctly states, we are here in part to facilitate a campus-wide dialogue about important issues both locally and nationally. In the interest of transparency and propelling forward these important conversations brought about by our uncompromising journalism, we felt it would be best to share some of […]

REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.   Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”   According to witnesses […]

HARBIN — Sources close to Brandon Weisglass (NHS ’18) revealed earlier today that those within his inner circle congratulated him for another night of behavior symptomatic of alcoholism.   Weisglass, whose memory of the night ends around 9:15 pm due too excessive alcohol intake, was informed that he violently threw up on two occasions, danced […]

THE COMMENTS SECTION – Amongst the chaos of the internet storm erupting from recent trials, internet commenter BONERPILLZ__xo90 has offered insightful commentary about race relations on chat forums across the web. “The promulgation of racially charged stereotypes has created a hyperreality in which media impedes truth seeking and polarizes the masses to see issues in […]