HEALY — Under direct recommendation from the Vatican, Georgetown administration has decided to lift its ban on the sale of condoms to Sebastian “Stud Lips” Remington (NHS, ‘15) who is currently engaging in a “concerning amount” of sex on campus.   Director of Student Health Services, Matthew Anderson, said that the current barrier to acquiring […]

CAPITOL HILL — As the date fast approaches when the 114th Congress will be sworn in, leaving the leadership of both Houses in the hands of Republicans, Senate Democrats are making a last resort effort to maintain their majority by rushing a Time Machine bill through their lame-duck session.   The bill, which is expected […]

HEALY — Following the theft of the iconic but largely symbolic Healy tower clock hands, Amish Student Union President Jacob Hershberger (COL ’16) reported that the group has “completely” lost track of the time. “We were supposed to assemble at 3:30 to build a new barn on Kehoe field, but that plan has fallen apart […]

VERIZON CENTER — Taking note of just how many Hoyas were scrambling to secure tickets for tomorrow’s home game against the #11 Kansas Jayhawks, John Thompson III reported that he was feeling “elated” he had secured a seat a mere few feet from the action.  “Kansas is a great basketball program. As a fan of […]

RED SQUARE—Noting that there are many other, less-likely-to-carry-unwelcome-responsibility-to-full-term fish in the sea, sophomore Ben Storch (Col ’16) reportedly reminded himself Tuesday not to sleep with that cute girl tabling for Vita Saxa.  “She can believe what she wants, I’m a feminist after all, but taking that girl back to my dorm is seriously tempting fate,” […]

Why hello there.   It’s nice to see you chap/chap-ette. I’m sorry I haven’t taken the time to talk you directly since the beginning of the year; I’ve been very busy in my ivory tower looking at my ivory collection. Need more proof about my elitism? I just used a semi-colon in that last sentence. […]

NEW YORK — Time has not been kind to Georgetown Alumni Patrick Wood (MSB ’04) since failing Edward Forty-hands one April evening in 2003.   Ten years after graduation, the unfinished forty ounce malt liquor bottles remain duct taped to the former Hoya’s hands, destroying his chance of a normal life.   The Heckler met […]

  NEW SOUTH 4 — After much consideration, Freshman Kayleigh Mills (COL ‘18) decided to make the “healthy choice” to stay in with her friends and eat a tub of ice cream.   “I felt unhealthy going out so often” Mills commented in between mouthfuls of Ben and Jerry’s Cherry Garcia. “Drinking just has all […]