JTIII “Confident” of Meeting Hoya Fans’ Exceedingly Low Expectations in 2015

IAC CONSTRUCTION SITE – As the 2014-15 season kicks into high gear for the Hoyas Men’s Basketball team, questions about their ability to meet fan’s ever diminishing expectations are coming into focus.   President DeGioia maintains that Head Coach John Thompson III’s job is secure this season, and expressed his confidence in JT III at […]

Any memories of being in the Final Four are "thankfully" in the rear view mirror said Thompson.

Michael Huff

Bill Cosby Signs With Ravens Amid Mounting Sexual Assault Charges

BALTIMORE, MD – With a growing list of sexual assault allegations piling against him, Bill Cosby’s lawyer announced Friday that he has signed with the Baltimore Ravens.   “We are looking forward to what Bill Cosby brings to our organization,” the Ravens announced in an official statement. “With the loss of Ray Rice earlier this […]

Putin Denies Involvement in North Pole Unrest After Being Placed on the Naughty List

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans for billions of people around the globe were put in jeopardy yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded the North Pole. The precipitating cause of the crisis appears to be Santa Claus’ recent decision to put Putin on the naughty list. “I gave Putin every opportunity to clean up his […]

Putin Invade North Pole

65 Year Old Student Attempts to Turn In Term-Paper on Floppy Disk

WHITE GRAVENOR- 65 year old student Joe Tucci (COL ‘17) arrived to class last week proud of his Psychology term paper on schizophrenia. Not only was this veteran of Vietnam and the Carter administration proud of his critical analysis but he beamed as he proudly stated he had typed it. On a computer. “Coming back to […]

Adult scholar

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Georgetown to Offer Cargo Shorts as Indirect Form of Contraception

LEAVEY CENTER – Realizing the need for accessible contraceptives on campus, Georgetown University administration will now give free cargo shorts as an indirect way for its students to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. Cargo shorts were originally created in 1934 by the Mussolini regime in Italy as a population suppressant. Engineers called the prototype “Pantaloni Astinenza”, […]

YEAR IN REVIEW: Letters to the Editor   Recently updated !

From the editor’s desk: As the Heckler’s founding credo succinctly states, we are here in part to facilitate a campus-wide dialogue about important issues both locally and nationally. In the interest of transparency and propelling forward these important conversations brought about by our uncompromising journalism, we felt it would be best to share some of […]

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Technologically-Inept Professor Unable to Call 911 as Flames Engulf Classroom   Recently updated !

REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.   Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”   According to witnesses […]

Student Showing Signs of Alcoholism High-Fived for “Epic” Night

HARBIN — Sources close to Brandon Weisglass (NHS ’18) revealed earlier today that those within his inner circle congratulated him for another night of behavior symptomatic of alcoholism.   Weisglass, whose memory of the night ends around 9:15 pm due too excessive alcohol intake, was informed that he violently threw up on two occasions, danced […]

Male Student Studying In Classroom With Books