“This Is It?”: Man at End Coming to Terms
By Ezra PP Starkweather
“I’ve always connected with Harper on a different level than most – and that’s not just because we share a name.” Charles Tate, 32, is one of many heart-broken individuals struck by the sudden and unexpected passing of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, on the popular sitcom Two and a Half Men. Harper was last […]
Top 10 Things Georgetown Could Spend 50 Million Dollars on That Aren’t Beating DePaul by a Point
By Bushrod Washington
1. Bribe Bob Menendez 100 times 2. 10 million GUGS Burgers 3. Give every student 7500 dollars in financial aid 4. 1 year of Patrick Mahomes 5. Making Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6. Starting 100 Subway franchises 7. Funding Doug Burgum’s primary campaign 8. Renting 2 Pandas from the Chinese government for 20 years 9. […]
Bugs in My Eyes: I Don’t Think the Benadryl Is Helping My Allergies
By Mordecai Wong
1. Bill Gates Lizard COnglomeration Make (B+G+L+C+M=37) me get Moderna owie. Now I’m itchy itchy itchy. Uh OH booster time! Time for allergy! 2. Aaron RODGERS is allergic – why not me as well???? (A secret symb/sign/*word sys unites secret group) 3. BGLC make BENADRYL?? for free under seat Oprah! 4. Astrolabe demands t14 souls […]
“Jill Has Three Cookies. If Jill Gives Bob Two Cookies, How Many Cookies Does Jill Have?”: Hilltop Consulting Presses Interviewees With Advanced Math Problems
By Antipope Innocent III
Lot of Dogs Out Today
By Glocktopus Squid Prime
Hark! Hark! Hear my tale of sights heretofore unseen. It was only this very morning while strolling along the bricklaid esplanàde when, would you know, upon looking up from the Facebook, I caught sight of small furry friend of man. The twinkle in its eye lit a similar glint in my own, and on I […]
Guest Op-Ed: The University’s Scooter Ban Destroyed Me. Then, I Re-Discovered My True Identity as a Student-Athlete
By The Sisters Fitzroy
On December 12, 2023, The Office of Environmental Health and Safety (or, as I like to call them, The Office of Soulless Stinky Little Party Poopers) tore me away from my one true love – my partner through thick and thin: my GoTrax G5 scooter. In the blink of an eye, I had to say […]
“Hoya Sexa?”, “I ‘Lau’ve You”, “Cura Pussynalis”, and More Ways to Proposition Your Fellow Hoyas in Entirely Georgetown Speak
By Theophilus Parsons
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, meaning that it’s cuffing season for real. Here at The Heckler we recognize that getting dicked down can be tough, especially if you ghostwrite for a campus satire publication. As such, here’s our top 10 ways to proposition fellow Georgetown students in ways that only a fellow Hoya […]