Intern Takes Topsy-Turvey Trip back in Time with Office Fax Machine

CHAMPAIGN, IL – Brett Davis, intern at Strategies Solutions Inc., embarked on a wild, “totally bitchin’” journey back in time on Thursday morning with the office fax machine. As Davis opened paper tray 3 to fix a mysterious jam, he fell into a temporal wormhole that transported him, along with his copy machine, back to […]

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Area Buddha Spares Spider from Napkin Death

ROSSLYN, VA – Following the discovery of a spider with a unique and irreplaceable life scampering across his kitchen floor, area Buddha Joseph Horn scooped the spider into a mug and released it into his garden. “My girlfriend was trying to get me to just get it with a napkin, but I was like, ‘no […]

Unclear if Dad Got the Hint Following Running Shoes Gift

DANBURY, CT – One day after giving their father a new pair of Nike running shoes for Father’s Day, the Edelson siblings remained unsure if the gift will inspire exercise as they had orignially hoped. “Yesterday when we told him they were great for jogging he just chuckled and said, ‘Great.’  What does that even mean?” […]

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MC Escher to Receive Lifetime Achievement Award for ICC Design

ICC — Georgetown University’s Office of Public Affairs announced earlier today that Intercultural Center architect MC Escher is set to receive a lifetime achievement award for his central role in planning the landmark building.  Vice President of Public Affairs Derrick Tollhouse wrote in a campus-wide e-mail today that “Escher’s crucial input in crafting this perception-warping […]

10 Songs to Get You Through the Workday

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Having trouble getting through the home-stretch at work?  Don’t worry, us too. For your own sanity, we’ve put together a small playlist of songs – new and old, from country to pop, to make those last few hours at least survivable.


1. Taylor Swift – Bad Blood ft. Kendrick Lamar

Early pick for song of the Summer? T-Swift and west coast hip-hop superstar Kendrick Lamar form an unlikely duo for this pop hit. Whether you’re a radio junkie or not, this jam is going to be a hard one to get out of your head for the next couple of months, so you might as well play it at your desk.


2. A$AP Rocky – L$D

A$AP Rocky changes up the pace with this hazy tune that sounds just as much like an acid trip that the name might suggest.  “They say wealth is in the mind / not in the pocket…” Hey, that’s some sound advice for an unpaid intern!


3. Drake – Hold On, We’re Going Home

The hook to this track from Drake’s acclaimed album Nothing Was the Same may serve best as a reassuring mantra that, yes, 5 p.m. is just around the corner.


4. Talking Heads – Once in a Lifetime

Maybe your parents are better suited feel the nostalgia that David Byrne tries to inspire in this 1981 new wave hit.  Out of all the questions Byrne asks himself, he somehow managed to leave out, “And you may ask yourself:  when does my shift end?”


5. Donnie Trumpet & the Social Experiment – Wanna be Cool ft. Big Sean, Kyle, and Jeremih

From one of the most eclectic mainstream hip-hop albums in recent memory, Donnie Trumpet & the Social Experiment, a collaborative project by Chicago’s Chance the Rapper, give us this this exciting track that tackles self-love and confidence.  Wanna Be Cool?  Not as much as I Wanna Go Home.


6. Spoon – Do You

Do-do-do-do-do-do you want it to be Friday? Spoon’s sound isn’t for everyone, but this song carries some wide appeal and definitely gets us through until it’s time to punch out of work.


7. Luke Bryan – Kick the Dust Up

Country heartthrob Luke Bryan’s hard-nosed party anthem Kick the Dust Up will give you the edge you need to strut on out of your office like the cowboy/cowgirl that you are, so maybe it’s best to save this song for last.


8. Ramones – It’s Not My Place (in the 9 to 5 World)

Another jam from 1981 (purely coincidental). This punk masterpiece might make you want to kick over your boss’s chair on the way out of work today, so listen with caution.


9. Jason Mraz – I’m Yours

I think everyone would agree that by the time 3:30 comes around, a simple, laid back tune like this 2008 radio hit is the perfect antidote for the cubicle-blues.


10. Mumford & Sons – Little Lion Man

You’ll have to think back a few years to remember this song that made Mumford & Sons the most popular pop-folk group around. Still, this upbeat classic hasn’t lost it’s ability to keep you moving through those last few hours.

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farm article

DeGioia: “Jack, Sr. is alive and on a farm in Pennsylvania”

HEALY HALL – A representative for the Office of the President told reporters on Monday that President DeGioia is still sure that Jack Sr., the beloved Georgetown mascot who passed away on June 3rd, only left to live on a farm in western Pennsylvania.   Patricia Moore (COL ’16), a summer assistant, said that the […]

Senator Lindsey Graham Continues to Make Threats of Global Terrorism Sound Adorable

photo via WASHINGTON, D.C. – Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) has run into trouble employing rhetoric regarding national security, as each reference to the looming threat of domestic terrorist attacks has been met with charmed cooing. The GOP presidential candidate’s emphasis on potential danger has been continually countered by his rosy cheeks and a pubescent […]


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DC Moves Forward with Legalizing the Dankest Nug

WASHINGTON, D.C. – DC Mayor Muriel Bowser stated at a press conference Monday afternoon that the city’s law enforcement officials will roll out a new policing plan to legalize only the dopest, black gold chronic. “The council and I are seeing to it that the voice of the people takes priority, which is why any […]

Horny Queen Elizabeth Reinstates Prima Nocta

LONDON – Citing each UK male citizen’s “timeless duty to her royal loins,” Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II decreed yesterday that she will reinstate the medieval practice of prima nocta, effective immediately. Prima nocta is a lord’s right to deflower a bride on her wedding night. The practice had disappeared from the United Kingdom by […]

Prima Nocta


Report: Islam Now Uncle’s Fastest-Growing Misunderstanding

HAMILTON, OH – According to a report released Wednesday by researchers at the University of Florida, Islam is now Uncle Drew’s fastest-growing misunderstanding and is likely to overtake The Illegals by 2025. “Family members report a significant uptick in the frequency of forwarded emails about Islamberg, NY and America under Sharia Law,” said the report’s lead author, […]