Putin Denies Involvement in North Pole Unrest After Being Placed on the Naughty List

SANTA’S WORKSHOP – Christmas plans for billions of people around the globe were put in jeopardy yesterday after Russian President Vladimir Putin invaded the North Pole. The precipitating cause of the crisis appears to be Santa Claus’ recent decision to put Putin on the naughty list. “I gave Putin every opportunity to clean up his […]

Putin Invade North Pole

65 Year Old Student Attempts to Turn In Term-Paper on Floppy Disk

WHITE GRAVENOR- 65 year old student Joe Tucci (COL ‘17) arrived to class last week proud of his Psychology term paper on schizophrenia. Not only was this veteran of Vietnam and the Carter administration proud of his critical analysis but he beamed as he proudly stated he had typed it. On a computer. “Coming back to […]

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Georgetown to Offer Cargo Shorts as Indirect Form of Contraception

LEAVEY CENTER – Realizing the need for accessible contraceptives on campus, Georgetown University administration will now give free cargo shorts as an indirect way for its students to prevent STD’s and unwanted pregnancies. Cargo shorts were originally created in 1934 by the Mussolini regime in Italy as a population suppressant. Engineers called the prototype “Pantaloni Astinenza”, […]

YEAR IN REVIEW: Letters to the Editor   Recently updated !

From the editor’s desk: As the Heckler’s founding credo succinctly states, we are here in part to facilitate a campus-wide dialogue about important issues both locally and nationally. In the interest of transparency and propelling forward these important conversations brought about by our uncompromising journalism, we felt it would be best to share some of […]

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Technologically-Inept Professor Unable to Call 911 as Flames Engulf Classroom   Recently updated !

REISS – As flames from a chemistry experiment gone horribly wrong consumed his classroom, students in Professor Martin Benjamin’s class expressed concern over Benjamin’s inability to call 911.   Speaking to reporters, Grace Jones (NHS ’17) said, “Like, holy shit, the cabinets just exploded, and he can’t fucking unlock his phone!”   According to witnesses […]

Student Showing Signs of Alcoholism High-Fived for “Epic” Night

HARBIN — Sources close to Brandon Weisglass (NHS ’18) revealed earlier today that those within his inner circle congratulated him for another night of behavior symptomatic of alcoholism.   Weisglass, whose memory of the night ends around 9:15 pm due too excessive alcohol intake, was informed that he violently threw up on two occasions, danced […]

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Conservative Student Privatizes Common Room

MCCARTHY —  After weeks of tense negotiations, prominent College Republican Member Michael Applebee (MSB ’17) has successfully negotiated the privatization of McCarthy 5’s common room.   The deal, hailed by small-government advocates and conservatives alike, has led to the common room name to be changed to the CAPITAL ONE Space for Long Term Prosperity.   […]

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