Dr. Todd Olson, VP of Student Affairs, Excluded from the Voice Spring Fashion Spread

(LEAVEY CENTER) – When the latest issue of the Georgetown Voice appeared in stacks throughout campus Thursday, students flipped immediately to the 2015 Spring Fashion photo spread and gasped in surprise. Where was Todd Olson, VP of Student Affairs?   “Olson is my style icon. He is a total bro,” said Jacob Bently (COL ’16), […]

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State Department Dismisses Nigerian Email as ‘Obvious Hoax’

FOGGY BOTTOM – The State Department indicated that it will be disregarding a distress email it received today, purportedly from a Nigerian presidential candidate.   The email, which bears the subject line “Help! Please read and respond,” arrived in the inbox of Secretary of State John Kerry at approximately 3:37 AM. The author alleges to […]


Freshman Crosses Line Making Fun of Todd Olson, VP of Student Affairs   Recently updated !

HEALY FAMILY STUDENT CENTER – An undergraduate “hangout session” was brought to an abrupt, awkward halt when sophomore Julian Hatrnel (SFS ’17) made a “joke” alluding to the alleged incompetency of Vice President of Student Affairs, Dr. Todd Olson.   The “squad” was just kicking back and chilling on the new HFSC patio, which was […]

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Billion-year-old Atom Shocked That It Was Destined to Become a Dildo All Along

BALTIMORE—An atom that has existed since the beginning of the universe was stunned and devastated to learn that it will spend the rest of its being as part of a plastic molecule inside a big pink dildo. “It’s hard to believe that I began my existence by witnessing the beginning of everything in the Big […]


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Men’s Basketball Team Steals NCAA Championship Trophy Following Tournament Elimination

INDIANAPOLIS – A source close to the team reported that late Saturday night following their devastating loss to the Utes, the Georgetown basketball team requested that their charter plane land briefly in Indianapolis, IN, to steal the NCAA championship trophy.   Coach John Thompson III, whose team hasn’t reached the Sweet Sixteen since 2007, made […]


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GU Fossil Free Aims to Divest From Earthly Bodies

HEALY CIRCLE – Following the Georgetown Board of Directors’ rejection of their Fossil Fuel Divestment proposal, members of GU Fossil Free announced Wednesday thatthey have set their sights on separating their souls from their bodies in the ultimate act of divestment. “Through concentrated meditation on the Third Eye, we are seeking to transcend our earthly […]


Increased Campus Cracks Wreak Havoc on Mother’s Backs

GEORGETOWN—A combination of increased campus construction and freezing winter temperatures have resulted in the fracturing of many on-campus walkways and sidewalks in the Georgetown neighborhood. “The omnipresent pavement cracks has been devastating for student’s mothers, and thousands have been hospitalized for their shattered vertebrae,” said GUPD Chief Jay Gruber. The sons and daughters of the […]

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Mock Trial Prosecutor Haunted by Thoughts of Men He Sent to the Chair

LEAVY CENTER – Citing an “overwhelming feeling of mental anguish,” top prosecutor Dermot Moore (COL ’15) has announced that he will take an indefinite leave of absence from the Georgetown University Mock Trial Team. According to Moore, his conscience is in perpetual conflict with the pretend legal system he has sworn to uphold. Midlands, the […]