The United Nations Security Council sessions have been a bit intense lately. In fact, to be more precise, they’re a “complete shit show holy shit how can we even bother with these formalities with what’s going on right now,” as one anonymous UN staffer told The Heckler after a few post-work drinks. With the Russian […]

Have you had a wild night of partying and now you need to vomit? No worries! We here at The Heckler live to serve and we don’t judge! Try these seven combos to get things ~flowing~ (Thank you to our generous sponsor Corp 50 for the funding for this article) Coke and yogurt – this […]

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s the Egg Signal! After months of silence from not the hero Georgetown needed, but the hero Georgetown deserved, the Georgetown Vigilante Egger returned when we needed him most. Responding to the Egg Signal, the Egger came back to make a statement at Saturday’s Cardinal O’Connor Conference on Life […]

You: An Ivy League* educated lawyer specializing in “alleged” financial obstruction (covering up financial obstruction, not preventing it. To be clear). Preferably one who graduated summa cum laude (trust me, we’ll need it). Us: The desperate administration of an unnamed “elite” University that has fallen on hard times. “Allegedly” of our own making. Offer: We […]

You: Sexy single lady at the bar at Martin’s Tavern last Saturday night dressed in head-to-toe zebra print, sipping on Porn Star Martinis Me: Silver Fox of a man who struck up a conversation with you, told you how lucky you were to be having a conversation with such an important man (I am the […]

GEORGETOWN – The Office of the President has just announced that, due to massive popular demand, all upcoming Parents Weekends will now be replaced with “MILFs And DILFs Weekend”. This announcement comes on the heels of one of the sexiest Parents Weekends to date. The Heckler’s own Bangable Parents Correspondent reported that this year’s Parents […]

It was an honest mistake, I swear!  Great Aunt Hilda just got her first smartphone and, unfortunately, that meant we had to add her to the family group chat. So beyond just the crime of the daily spam of Facebook (I mean Meta) memes we get from her, I also level the charge of ruining […]

For those of you who don’t know, the four-day period between the end of midterms and the start of finals (officially known as “Thanksgiving Break” on the Registrar’s website) is rapidly approaching. Here are 5 surefire ways you can tell: This unexpected shirtless selfie my ex sent me unprompted is a reminder that we will […]

The November slump is hitting campus pretty hard right now, so it’s really important that students on this campus celebrate whatever wins they can. For econ major Brad Thomas (COL ‘24), his lunch today represented that win. Brad typically picks up a sushi roll from Vittles two or three times a week for a quick, […]

Midterms may be weighing on everyone on this campus, but The Heckler has something that will cheer you up: Jake Simpson (SFS ‘25) and Sydney James (COL ‘25) are back together again (according to a video on their joint couple TikTok account)! This happy news comes as a total relief to anyone trying to study […]