Unaware of his sheer folly and hubris, first-year student Jacob Harrison (COL ‘23) recently excitedly told his friends that he had discovered an entirely new section of the famed tunnels underneath Georgetown’s campus.    “We were pretty excited at first,” said fellow freshman Maria Jeffress (NHS ‘23), “so of course we asked Jake to show […]

In a shocking turn of events, this past Sunday the Student Guards orchestrated a coup d’etat, dissolving GUSA and establishing a brutal police state.    Effective immediately, all civil liberties have ceased to exist across campus. Reports indicate that Student Guards have the right to beat the ever-loving shit out of anyone that “be looking […]

TINDER – Junior Esther Caulfield (NHS ‘21) was undoubtedly one of many to swipe right on what seemed to be an ironic and admittedly funny profile featuring Georgetown’s beloved Jack the Bulldog.  “It was just the most adorable picture, and the bio said things like ‘I love to take long walks and skateboard!’ It was […]

YATES FIELD HOUSE – Hey, man. How’s it going? School’s going well? Yeah? That’s great! I’m so glad to hear you’ve been doing well.   Hey, remember that time you and five to seven of your closest friends decided to both have fun and stay in shape by forming an intramural basketball team? Yeah? Wouldn’t […]

Dammit, I knew this was gonna happen. I take one tiiiiiiiiiiny lil peek into the brutality of the factory farming system, and all of a sudden I can’t help but wonder whether my neighbor Doug’s pet pig might not enjoy me butchering him and consuming his flesh. Maybe Friedrich had dreams of his own, maybe […]

THE SUPERMARKET – Even the hundreds of adults in the local Safeway felt the sexual tension in the room shoot through the roof when high school acquaintances Mark Stevenson and Julia Ramos made eye contact in the produce aisle.    “It was weird,” said Stevenson, still sweating profusely. “Like, I’ve never given her a second […]

WASHINGTON, DC – Democratic House leadership announced today that they were putting an immediate hold on any impeachment-related inquiries in order to focus on what they called “much more pressing issues.”   “Some things just take precedence over impeachment,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), “namely, the question that has haunted my dreams for the […]

  YATES FIELD HOUSE – After a successful pre-dawn workout in which he utterly annihilated his bi’s, tri’s, and quad’s, Yates hunk Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, again, no relation) powerfully strode from the front doors of Yates to the steps, where he paused for a moment to take it all in.   As day broke […]

YATES FIELD HOUSE – Onlookers looked on in awe as they witnessed one of the finest displays of pure, manly prowess Georgetown has to offer, in the form of certifiable hunk-and-a-half Jerry Garcia (NHS ‘20, no relation). In a two-hour set, Garcia did it all – both repping and  maxing, with only minimal time dedicated […]

Huh. Turns out, every time one of those space Nazis was forced onto their knees to say “Yes, Lord Vader,” they derived some sort of masochistic pleasure from it. Weird. I guess they could be really into the whole “all black” thing, too. Some people just really want an authority figure to put them in […]