HAMILTON, OH – According to a report released Wednesday by researchers at the University of Florida, Islam is now Uncle Drew’s fastest-growing misunderstanding and is likely to overtake The Illegals by 2025. “Family members report a significant uptick in the frequency of forwarded emails about Islamberg, NY and America under Sharia Law,” said the report’s lead author, […]
TULSA, OKLAHOMA – James Lewis (MSB ’18) returned home on Thursday relieved to find that his life away from Georgetown is exactly as empty as he remembered it. “The entire drive home I was haunted by these images of people in my hometown having plenty of things to do every night, high school acquaintances […]
NEW YORK – On Sunday, Lorne Hershing, a 22 year old Queens native, woke up elated to find his social media news feeds crowded with tributes to mothers accompanied by pictures worthy of his collection. “Yes, a great harvest! This what I wait all year for – this is my Christmas morning,” said Hershing as he dragged […]
WASHINGTON, DC – An insider for the Heckler has confirmed reports that Mitch Dawson (COL ’18) has become involved in DC’s underground organ trade syndicate after attempting to sell back this semester’s textbooks. Reportedly disenchanted with the offers from various options on campus for book buy-back, Dawson began to seek out other avenues through […]
ATHENS – In an effort to earn hard currency for repaying his country’s national debt, Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras has spent the past month moonlighting as a burlesque dancer at an Athens nightclub. Local papers reported Tsipras’ employment at The Randy Satyr, a club in Athens’ seedy Omonia Square neighborhood where the […]
RED SQUARE – On Friday, Jessica Tillowitz (SFS ’17) marked her 36th visit to a GU Grilling Society (GUGS) event in an attempt to make member Anthony Meyer (COL ’15) notice her. Tillowitz has reportedly gained upwards of 20 lbs from the endeavor, buying multiple burgers per occasion for the added “face time”. “I’m […]
VILLAGE C – In a student conduct hearing on Friday Gary Kim (COL ’18) cited his first amendment “right to assemble” in defense of his alleged “dope ass pregame.” “The judicial board was very confused when I plead not guilty to the charges of alcohol possession and noise violations,” said Kim after his hearing. […]
HENLE VILLAGE – Expressing yet another complaint about their ground floor Henle apartment, the Ratcliffe family (made up of six brown rats) has come to believe that several college students have taken up residence in their home. “I think I can hear them rustling around every morning at around 11, making those awful noises,” […]