Raised as an atheist in a small family on the remote Plum Island, the very first time I met a priest was at the ripe age of 19, here at Georgetown. It was spring semester and I was getting around to taking my second theology class, Catholicism in Puerto Rico, which I highly recommend, with […]

Op-ed by Clovis P. Butterworth and Dani Ardor, former graduate student in psychology and current May Queen of the Hårga  **All opinions stated in this article most definitely reflect the opinions of the Heckler editorial board. Winter is coming up and people say it’s cuffing season. I disagree. The only person you should be cuffing […]

GEORGETOWN – The Office of the President has just announced that, due to massive popular demand, all upcoming Parents Weekends will now be replaced with “MILFs And DILFs Weekend”. This announcement comes on the heels of one of the sexiest Parents Weekends to date. The Heckler’s own Bangable Parents Correspondent reported that this year’s Parents […]

The Heckler is proud to present a very special interview with local professional Hawthorn Vlad von Staub, Vampire Hunter. We know our readership is very invested in staying safe from all manner of vampires, dhampirs, shtrigas, vrykolakas, counts, bats, patasolas, jiangshi, and other fanged menaces. Our interviewer ended up discussing modern vampirology, TikTok’s role in […]

8. “Honey, please stop looking at me like that.” That tricky little gecko wasn’t going to give in easily. I knew that I would have to be persistent if I was to unmask him. I was just positive that he was inside a giant costume that looked remarkably like my wife. 7. “No, I can’t […]

“Travel the culinary world while staying right here in Georgetown!” That’s what was promised when Leo J. O’Donovan dining hall announced that they would be expanding their dining options to offer ‘Foreign Cuisines.’ Unfortunately, it seems that this culinary journey has left several Georgetown students in the hospital with what officials are saying “might be […]

We at the Heckler were very intrigued by the presence of these “Knights of Columbus” flyers around campus, so we decided to infiltrate one of their meetings by sending in an undercover reporter.  We heard that this was a “male Catholic fraternity,” so we sent Rufus Wheeler Peckham into the meeting wearing a Vineyard Vines […]

It was an honest mistake, I swear!  Great Aunt Hilda just got her first smartphone and, unfortunately, that meant we had to add her to the family group chat. So beyond just the crime of the daily spam of Facebook (I mean Meta) memes we get from her, I also level the charge of ruining […]

TUESDAY – Georgetown has yet to release the names of the 2 students (originally 3 students (originally 4 students (originally 5 students))) who succumbed to hypothermia while trying to find their way to Trader Joe’s last weekend. Witnesses report that they are “shocked” by the discovery of their campsite in Whitehaven Community Garden, with two […]

Hello, my cherubs. Bushrod Washington here, ready to give the people what they want. Studies show that 83% of The Heckler’s readers are virgins, car salesmen, Elvis impersonators, crypto traders, government interns, or guys named Ron, so I know y’all need help in the sex and love department. I’m excited to launch my sex, love, […]