“Travel the culinary world while staying right here in Georgetown!” That’s what was promised when Leo J. O’Donovan dining hall announced that they would be expanding their dining options to offer ‘Foreign Cuisines.’ Unfortunately, it seems that this culinary journey has left several Georgetown students in the hospital with what officials are saying “might be […]

We at the Heckler were very intrigued by the presence of these “Knights of Columbus” flyers around campus, so we decided to infiltrate one of their meetings by sending in an undercover reporter.  We heard that this was a “male Catholic fraternity,” so we sent Rufus Wheeler Peckham into the meeting wearing a Vineyard Vines […]

It was an honest mistake, I swear!  Great Aunt Hilda just got her first smartphone and, unfortunately, that meant we had to add her to the family group chat. So beyond just the crime of the daily spam of Facebook (I mean Meta) memes we get from her, I also level the charge of ruining […]

TUESDAY – Georgetown has yet to release the names of the 2 students (originally 3 students (originally 4 students (originally 5 students))) who succumbed to hypothermia while trying to find their way to Trader Joe’s last weekend. Witnesses report that they are “shocked” by the discovery of their campsite in Whitehaven Community Garden, with two […]

Hello, my cherubs. Bushrod Washington here, ready to give the people what they want. Studies show that 83% of The Heckler’s readers are virgins, car salesmen, Elvis impersonators, crypto traders, government interns, or guys named Ron, so I know y’all need help in the sex and love department. I’m excited to launch my sex, love, […]

Feeling existentially lost? Doubting any just creator could preside over a world so disparate yet still essentially awful? Me too. Or at least I was, until I listened to Ween’s album The Mollusk while absolutely tripping my face off. Now all I think about is how we’re all just one cosmic orgasm made of stardust […]

Gfhliwe iejfpiehfi ieimic shsorry, I’m currently typing this with my toes under the table while DeGioia paces around the stage and lectures about how I “went too far” and that his “children read The Heckler™ .” Lljsfeh ifoiew hwehelpmeplease. OK, DeGioia’s looking away. The entire school is staring at me though, while I have what […]

For those of you who don’t know, the four-day period between the end of midterms and the start of finals (officially known as “Thanksgiving Break” on the Registrar’s website) is rapidly approaching. Here are 5 surefire ways you can tell: This unexpected shirtless selfie my ex sent me unprompted is a reminder that we will […]

“I just knew it was time for a change,” wrote Sarah McShann-Walpole (NHS ‘23) in an unsolicited email to The Heckler. McShann-Walpole reached out to us in hopes that we could share and inform the Georgetown community about her norm-defying relationship and the importance of pursuing what makes you happy. We felt obligated to share […]

It’s time for me to say what we’ve all been thinking: what have the Romans done for us? The Senatus Collegii Georgiopolitani has been marred for years with mismanagement of public money, petty power-seeking, and a complete failure to prosecute the war in Gaul. We, the students of Georgetown University, have been without bread OR […]