WASHINGTON – As autumn descends upon Georgetown, one specific campus group has really caught the fall fever and their most recent promotion is evidence of this. Our beloved EMS service is now offering hayrides in expectation of a very busy Halloweekend. Senior Griffin Reid (COL ‘19) spoke on behalf of the organization, saying, “We’ll be […]

WASHINGTON – It’s 3:45 and the visceral ache in the two tones descending upon the campus of Georgetown University make one thing clear: the collective crawl towards an inevitable and painful ending has progressed another quarter of an hour. Or maybe they are funeral bells lamenting the quietus of the bright, innocent days of childhood. […]

COOPER FIELD–Expectations for the Men’s Lacrosse program are especially high this year after a preseason ranking of number 17. However hopes for the team were decidedly tempered late last night when the Heckler released its own ranking, identifying the Men’s Lacrosse Team as “Number 1 biggest jerks”. While competition this year was especially fierce, the […]

OLIVE GARDEN—Earlier today, Local Dad Gary Jenson spent twenty minutes conversing with waiter and Rosslyn Olive Garden’s employee of the month: the one and only, Steve. Jenson goes to Olive Garden almost every week, but still manages to have questions about the never-changing menu every time. After the Jenson family was deep in bottomless breadsticks […]

As a member of Love Saxa, you well know the perils of both the arcane magicks of the Devil’s consorts and the noxious vapors that hath brought plague down upon our fyne club. Determine the cause of your current misfortune quickly, lest your soul be shriven! 1. Hath ye, of late, been possessed by an […]

WASHINGTON – After experimenting with the contraption for days on end, we at the Heckler were able to synthesize the following information about uses for meat thermometers. We came in with high hopes, but, as I’m sure you will be, we were disappointed with the results of our investigation.   Telling time Not always accurate. […]

FLYNN PARK MIDDLE SCHOOL – A schoolwide surge of hope was decisively crushed Wednesday when sources revealed that Evan J., despite attending a regional summer camp dedicated exclusively to the subject, was still woefully unprepared for his 7th Grade Earth Science class. “I would never have sent him if I had thought, for even a […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Watergate Hotel, a staple of Washington’s tourist scene, has come under fire this week like never before. The Watergate – an institution famous for its unique architecture, complete makeover in the 1980’s, and continental breakfast – risks a permanent stain on its sterling reputation. Manager Ogden Weizenbaum’s mishandling of revenue cost […]