DENVER, CO – Following the discovery of three hikers’ frozen corpses on a remote mountain slope, the Coors Brewing Company announced today that it will present all three hikers with its prestigious Rocky Mountain Cold Award. “We wanted to honor these brave individuals who experienced levels of cold only paralleled by the feeling of […]
HENLE- In a breaking news update, sophomore Jack Henderson (Col ’17) has informed Heckler reporters that he will not be having a “hella dope spring break with the boys” after all. Mere moments before submitting his deposit on the resort and purchasing his plane ticket, guaranteeing him fun in the sun down in Mexico, […]
ANAHEIM- Disneyland visitors were treated to a special interactive amusement park attraction last weekend as they took part in a historical reenactment of a measles outbreak. Many customers were excited to experience the deadly disease in real life. Joe Grawson, a park visitor, said, “Seeing such a famous viral infection spread from unvaccinated child to […]
LEAVEY CENTER – Following recent criticisms of worker homogeneity, The Corp is set to release a new series of personalities for its baristas and cashiers later this week. Three transformative and radically improved personality options including “Not Popular in High School,” “Introverted and Average Looking,” and “Genuinely Interested in Customer Service” will debut in […]
VILLAGE A – Describing it as “an exasperating, perpetual burden,” self-important Hunter Rudolph (MSB ’16) reported suffering altitude sickness due to the high pedestal on which he places himself. Shortness of breath, nausea, headache, and tiredness are all symptoms that Rudolph claims to have experienced. “I’m not one to complain. This comes with the […]
If you’re on campus and looking for a good place to publicly stroke your genitals until orgasm, then look no further: ICC 219B is the place for you. Nestled right in the heart of one of the most trafficked buildings on campus, 219B has everything you need to whip it and grip it. The […]
CAWLEY CAREER CENTER – A networking event held last night with professionals from the international supermodel industry shattered all previous attendance records at Georgetown’s career center. While the career center regularly offers networking events for the medical, legal, and finance industries, as well as the government and nonprofit sectors, last night’s event represented the […]
HENLE —In a bout of panic, Sophomore Kevin Peters (COL ’17) spent all Saturday night on the Internet Movie Database (IMDB) cramming for his Sunday evening Oscar viewing party. “I had two papers and a midterm this week,” said Peters, “so I had to put off all my studying until last night.” Peters […]