Before the pandemic, Mrs. Winter’s 5th grade class shared custody of Cupcake, a 3 year old hamster, with each student getting a turn to bring a furry friend home for the weekend. Cupcake’s travel plans, like so many other’s, have been put on hold recently, due to the pandemic. While virtual school has resumed, health […]

PORTLAND—Jeanette Applebaum stands proudly in her open-concept, minimalist kitchen. Seven years ago, she underwent a controversial procedure to edit her son’s genome.  “Genetically editing the embryo of my beautiful baby boy was the best decision I’ve made in my life….And I’m paleo!” Applebaum flew to China to take advantage of the two weeks Dr. Jiankui […]

Needed: Personal Body Guard, at least 6’1”, lots of muscles [think Shemar Moore]. Must be on call 11 am to 9pm to escort me to and from my Vil A. Mask required at all times. Required to be able to combat Tae Kwon Doe or run with me on your back. Who am I: My […]

TAMPA, FL–It was a cold Friday morning on October 30, when Biden staffers gathered around a rose gold MacBook Air covered with cheap campaign stickers to see the first sets of numbers after a successful rally in Tampa Bay, FL. The numbers from FOX News and CNN were predictable; Quinnipiac and Susquehanna University had similarly […]

A recently uncovered photoset of president Norman Oldguy is raising questions about the presidential frontrunner’s ability to assume the position. Currently polling 78% across the country with 100% favorability in Pennsylvania AND Transylvania, Oldguy has practically been taking his victory lap around the country. Photos of future president Oldguy eating at a Taco Bell near […]

SESAME STREET – In a move unforeseen by the Sesame Street Fandom, Oscar the Grouch has officially quit the cast of Sesame Street to become a homeless rights advocate following an incident on set last week. This news came in a press conference last Friday when PBS spokesperson Erika Dinkle clarified the inciting event. Apparently, […]

1. Go to Old Mrs. McCreary’s House This is a good option because all the neighborhood kids know to avoid mean old Mrs. McCreary’s house. It’s the big old ramshackled thing on the hill with ivy advancing up its yellow sides, always dark save a candle in the front room. Jackson Hughes swears he heard […]

It was a most unusual mass.  Good Catholics at Dahlgren Chapel were blessed with a much too salty surprise when during Fr. Carnes’ homily, it was discovered that there was not a single scrap of communion lying around. Luckily, some loose red Pringles cans leftover from last month’s food donation drive was their salvation. “We […]

ROSSLYN – An unassuming Thursday afternoon of family bonding led to one of the greatest war-history discoveries of the modern era. While looking through his father’s old World War II memorabilia, Connor Potter stumbled upon a tarnished old locket with his mother’s initials engraved on the side. When he opened the locket, however, he was […]

As I approached the picnic table at the edge of the woods where Jenny was joining me for coffee, I noticed her immediately–her neon complexion and red cashmere scarf painting a beautiful contrast against the dead leaves. She waved a pincer at me. Her warm personality shone as soon as I gently patted her head […]