ROSSLYN METRO- Failing to recognize the futility of reaching ground level in escaping a world as wicked as this, local man Jeremy Bodian recently sprinted up Rosslyn’s escalator at a breakneck pace despite the unremitting demons of his gruesome past. “That escalator is frickin’ huge. As soon as I saw it, I was like, ‘you […]
NEVILS –Tyler Farrin (NHS, ’16) recently reaffirmed to his friends, family members, and classmates that he has no plans to remove or cover his neck tattoo of Belgian-Australian musician Gotye. Swearing that the portrait “doesn’t even mean anything” to him anymore and that “it just looks cool, is all,” Farrin claims that he sees […]
DENVER, CO – Following the discovery of three hikers’ frozen corpses on a remote mountain slope, the Coors Brewing Company announced today that it will present all three hikers with its prestigious Rocky Mountain Cold Award. “We wanted to honor these brave individuals who experienced levels of cold only paralleled by the feeling of […]
HENLE- In a breaking news update, sophomore Jack Henderson (Col ’17) has informed Heckler reporters that he will not be having a “hella dope spring break with the boys” after all. Mere moments before submitting his deposit on the resort and purchasing his plane ticket, guaranteeing him fun in the sun down in Mexico, […]
ANAHEIM- Disneyland visitors were treated to a special interactive amusement park attraction last weekend as they took part in a historical reenactment of a measles outbreak. Many customers were excited to experience the deadly disease in real life. Joe Grawson, a park visitor, said, “Seeing such a famous viral infection spread from unvaccinated child to […]
LEAVEY CENTER – Following recent criticisms of worker homogeneity, The Corp is set to release a new series of personalities for its baristas and cashiers later this week. Three transformative and radically improved personality options including “Not Popular in High School,” “Introverted and Average Looking,” and “Genuinely Interested in Customer Service” will debut in […]
VILLAGE A – Describing it as “an exasperating, perpetual burden,” self-important Hunter Rudolph (MSB ’16) reported suffering altitude sickness due to the high pedestal on which he places himself. Shortness of breath, nausea, headache, and tiredness are all symptoms that Rudolph claims to have experienced. “I’m not one to complain. This comes with the […]
If you’re on campus and looking for a good place to publicly stroke your genitals until orgasm, then look no further: ICC 219B is the place for you. Nestled right in the heart of one of the most trafficked buildings on campus, 219B has everything you need to whip it and grip it. The […]