LAU 2 — While commiserating with friends in the library last night about how stressed they collectively were about finals, Jennifer Hoken (COL ’15) described herself as “so behind on work.” Hoken, who only needs to proofread her 30-page research paper once more before handing it in on Friday, explained to friends that she “has […]

HARIRI — In an unprecedented display of self-gratification and “just treating myself for once,” McDonough School of Business sophomore Jeremy Ashcliff spent the entirety of last Tuesday binging on TurboTax, multiple sources exclusively confirmed to The Georgetown Heckler. “I had a bunch of classes that I had to attend, but the new set of available […]

HARBIN — In an email broadcast to campus today, Vice President for Student Affairs Todd Olson announced changes to the alumni housing policy. After almost two semesters of heated debate, Olson along with GUSA President Trevor Tezel (SFS ’15) and Vice President Omika Jikaria (SFS ’15) voted to adopt a three-year post graduation on-campus housing […]

On the night of April 21st, 2014, I dreamt that David Rubenstein, Georgetown’s Vice President of Finance and Treasurer, was chasing me down an endless corridor of funhouse mirrors.  As I flew in terror across those white marble checkered floors, I could hear Rubenstein’s voice bellowing over a haunted cacophony of cash register cha-chings and […]

WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing his “complete lack of preparation” for the world outside of the front gates, Senior Chris Mitchell (MSB ’14) quietly preregistered for classes last week for the fall of 2014 in the hopes no one would notice. “Well I wasn’t locked out of pre-registration on MyAccess,” said Mitchell in an email to The […]

GEORGETOWN — Citing a recent surge in malware attacks, including the powerful “Heartbleed” security breech, Georgetown Chief Information Officer Lisa Davis urgently requested all Georgetown students destroy their technology. At a sparsely-attended emergency press conference in the UIS Executive Office on Wednesday Davis outlined how the crisis unfolded: “at first we requested everyone change their […]

The Georgetown community was rocked by scandal yesterday after students uncovered an unmarked grave beneath the surface of Copley Lawn containing the presumed remains of former mascot-in-training, J.J. The grave was discovered by Alex Ortega (SFS ’15), a cutter on the Georgetown Ultimate Frisbee team. Taking advantage of the upswing in temperature, Ortega and some […]

Hello, dear readers. We here at The Heckler love a good joke. But today, we would like to take a moment to talk to you about something of a more serious nature. It’s an issue that has struck deeply at the heart of our country and the heart of the university we love so dearly. […]

The Dahlgren Chapel of the Sacred Heart will be rededicated this Saturday after over twelve months of renovations. Here are some of the new features students can expect to see in the chapel: Magnetic locks on doors will prevent bad Catholics from leaving after Communion Chapel to display macaroni art Stations of the Cross designed […]

GEORGETOWN — As he notified he the world this week, Pleasure Place Owner Frankie Carlondie’s store will be closing up shop in the near future. This announcement set off a panic among students on the hilltop who were in need of gag gifts. “This closure could not have come at a worst time,” said Business […]