As a Jesuit institution, a miniature model of the crucified Jesus hangs on the classroom walls. But what’s not so miniature is Jesus’s erection looming over the college students who are simply just trying to learn. Sherry takes stats in Walsh 394, and she said: “It’s just so distracting. I try to pay attention to […]

This cool guy does many cool things! Here are some cool things that he does that make him cool. 1. He’s read Lolita, “for the language”! 2. He does poppers! 3. He hand-steeps his tea, in a Smeg press! 4. He took one (1) gender studies class, but he already knew all that stuff anyway! […]

In the wee hours of the morning, lit up by the hazy orange lights of Burleith, I ponder the deep questions of my life: what if my youth is flying past me as I try to grasp it like smoke in the air? What if my tummy hurts because I didn’t get enough fiber today? […]

“I’ve always connected with Harper on a different level than most – and that’s not just because we share a name.” Charles Tate, 32, is one of many heart-broken individuals struck by the sudden and unexpected passing of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, on the popular sitcom Two and a Half Men. Harper was last […]

1. Bribe Bob Menendez 100 times 2. 10 million GUGS Burgers 3. Give every student 7500 dollars in financial aid 4. 1 year of Patrick Mahomes 5. Making Paul Blart: Mall Cop 6. Starting 100 Subway franchises 7. Funding Doug Burgum’s primary campaign 8. Renting 2 Pandas from the Chinese government for 20 years 9. […]

1. Bill Gates Lizard COnglomeration Make (B+G+L+C+M=37) me get Moderna owie. Now I’m itchy itchy itchy. Uh OH booster time! Time for allergy! 2. Aaron RODGERS is allergic – why not me as well???? (A secret symb/sign/*word sys unites secret group) 3. BGLC make BENADRYL?? for free under seat Oprah! 4. Astrolabe demands t14 souls […]

Healy Lawn was awash with confusion Wednesday morning after President John DeGioia climbed atop John Carroll with a shoddily-fashioned paraglider mounted on his back, screamed, “Later, bitch nerds!” and leaped from the lap of the statue, quickly hitting the ground due to a complete lack of buoyancy and spraining a clavicle. In an interview with […]

Interviewer: Kurt, you’ve done an excellent job thus far in the interview. So far, no candidates have been able to solve this math problem. In order to become the most consulting consultant, you must prove your advanced math skills. Kurt: I’m ready! I’m ready! Ooh golly, I’m ready! Interviewer: Okay here it goes: “Jill has […]

Hark! Hark! Hear my tale of sights heretofore unseen. It was only this very morning while strolling along the bricklaid esplanàde when, would you know, upon looking up from the Facebook, I caught sight of small furry friend of man. The twinkle in its eye lit a similar glint in my own, and on I […]

On December 12, 2023, The Office of Environmental Health and Safety (or, as I like to call them, The Office of Soulless Stinky Little Party Poopers) tore me away from my one true love – my partner through thick and thin: my GoTrax G5 scooter.  In the blink of an eye, I had to say […]