Georgetown men’s basketball suffered a tough loss to Penn State last week, further distancing them from a top 25 position in the NCAA. There is, though, a silver lining to be taken from the beginning of the season. Georgetown players have combined for more total shoe wipe-offs than any other collegiate program. The team averages […]

WASHINGTON – At 10:30am this past Tuesday morning, Ashley Hemsworth (COL ‘20) of Dubuque, Iowa gave an especially impassioned tour. She strutted backward without even the slightest stumble (despite her humble assurances to her prospective pupils that she is terrible at walking backwards and would certainly hit snags), she masterfully fielded questions from the especially […]

NEW SOUTH— Johnny and Kyle, residents of New South 208, took matters into their own hands after a mouse scurried across their floor during a game of beer pong. The next morning, Johnny and Kyle walked to Safeway to buy several mousetraps, which they then placed in each corner of the room. “It’s weird, looking […]

Dammit, I knew this was gonna happen. I take one tiiiiiiiiiiny lil peek into the brutality of the factory farming system, and all of a sudden I can’t help but wonder whether my neighbor Doug’s pet pig might not enjoy me butchering him and consuming his flesh. Maybe Friedrich had dreams of his own, maybe […]

    Bulldog Tavern This is the perfect place to cry while not being seen by a single member of the Georgetown community. This has the unintended benefit of showing every prospective student how poorly adjusted you are for college life.   The Maker Hub Don’t get me wrong, the Maker Hub is cool and […]

THE SUPERMARKET – Even the hundreds of adults in the local Safeway felt the sexual tension in the room shoot through the roof when high school acquaintances Mark Stevenson and Julia Ramos made eye contact in the produce aisle.    “It was weird,” said Stevenson, still sweating profusely. “Like, I’ve never given her a second […]

JESUIT COMMUNITY CEMETERY – On All Hallows Eve, as legend holds, spirits of the dead can once again inhabit the earth. Some will find for a soul to spook, others will look for a loved one, and still others will engage in some of the earthly pleasures they enjoyed while living. The Jesuits, however, took […]

    It’s finally October, and you know what that means! Trader Joe’s has those super cheap pumpkins in stock (both the orange and spooky, white varieties), and when fall rolls around punkins=chunked..   We’re finally giving you what you’ve all been waiting for: it’s The Heckler’s annual list of the best roofs for pun’kin […]

  In this world, you can be one of two things: a hottie lamattie or a cutie patootie. Which will you be? Take this quiz to find out!   (1.) Your alarm goes off. You’ve set it wrong, and you don’t have class for another hour and a half. What do you do?   Get […]