WASHINGTON, D.C. – A club wide email was circulated late on Sunday which, among other matters, asked for volunteers to lead this semester’s Knights of Columbus spring retreat whose goals are stated as “team-building, mentorship, and Jerusalem.” The retreat’s organizer Richard “The Lionheart” Wagner assured the Heckler that the program would not get caught up […]

WASHINGTON – Officials at the Federal Reserve released a statement tonight conceding that some of their high-security underground gold vaults may, in fact, be full of those little chocolate coins they make, you know, the ones that come in those mesh orange bag things, because the reality of the fiduciary job in question is one […]

Stephen Holloway (COL ‘18) was left feeling lonelier than ever today when not even the automatic sink would notice him. After nearly seven and a half minutes spent waving his sudsy palms in front of the sensor without response, Stephen was forced to come to terms with his own irrelevance. The situation escalated later that […]

NEW SOUTH HALL – Friends of new couple Jack Rodgers and Donna Goodwin have called authorities to report a potentially dangerous situation developing. Due to the relationship’s hasty creation and the fact that the couple’s entire friend group is based on collectively living on the same floor, police chief Jay Gruber has advised all students to remain clear of New South […]

While every God-fearing student of Georgetown mourns the results of the recent GUSA election, one widely regarded as having been tampered with, one pair of students is in high spirits, despite these dark times. Sahil Nair (‘19) and Naba Rahman (‘19) spent the wee hours of this morning counting their reward for betraying the Son […]

With pressure mounting on the Oscars committee to address the recent avalanche of sexual assault allegations in Hollywood, President John Bailey announced yesterday his plan to establish a new category: Best Apology by a Man in a Position of Power. In a press conference that took place in the late afternoon, Bailey said, “It’s about […]

THE HEAVENS – Hunter Estes and Richard Howell. Honorable Catholics, Knights of Columbus: I, Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, King of Kings, thank you for your service in the name of the Lord. Your faith in me shall be rewarded at the end of times. But the GUSA Executive is not for you, my […]

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY PRESS – College Dean Edmund Ralph was pleased to find out earlier today that his memoir, “A Complete Set of My Walk-In Hours, M-F, 1998-2017” was officially added to the Georgetown University Press’ slate for spring publications. “Well, of course it’s a dream come true!” Ralph commented, dusting off his hands on his […]

Maybe you’ve already told him how you feel. Maybe you haven’t quite worked up the courage. With Valentine’s Day just hours away, the Heckler has all the information you need to give your crush, Todd Olson, the Valentine’s Day of his dreams.   The Flowers Ok- call us old fashioned, but there really is just no […]

The Editorial Board is proud and excited to announce that Georgetown Students for More Hammocks – the inspirational grassroots student group leading the charge in providing GU students the care and leisure they deserve – has officially endorsed Jesus Christ for GUSA President in 2018. According to the campaign, this decision was reached after the […]