The big-dicked, big stick carrier is back! Trustbuster and former president Teddy Roosevelt somehow returned from the dead and made his way to Georgetown, navigating entirely by a contempt for monopolies, as a century of decomposition destroyed his eyes. “The Corp is so much worse than Nestlé and Amazon,” he was heard saying before setting […]

OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENT – As we relayed to you in our last email, the recent spike in cases of COVID-19, which has been particularly pronounced in the DC area, means that the availability of rooms in the Georgetown hotel is extremely limited, and many students may have to quarantine two to a room. Furthermore, […]

“I did NOT have textual relations with that INTERNational publication,” claimed former Editor-in-Chief Alfred Conlkling Coxe, Jr. as he was escorted from The Heckler’s secret headquarters on Friday, December 17. Coxe has been accused of treason by an anonymous whistleblower who hacked into his Google Calendar, where they found an event labeled “The Caraval: Interest […]

WASHINGTON DC — A group of new COVID variants has petitioned the National Panhellenic Conference to allow them to form a new sorority. With the recent arrival of the Omicron variant and Delta gaining traction over the last summer, the COVID variants are afraid of losing relevance and have decided to unite and form a […]

Welcome to the world’s most difficult game! It’s time to play “Is this a quote from Squid Game, or an econ major who believes in the free market?” “If you work hard and play the game right, you can succeed.” This is the econ major! In a free market, all it takes is pulling yourself […]

You: Sexy single lady at the bar at Martin’s Tavern last Saturday night dressed in head-to-toe zebra print, sipping on Porn Star Martinis Me: Silver Fox of a man who struck up a conversation with you, told you how lucky you were to be having a conversation with such an important man (I am the […]

Raised as an atheist in a small family on the remote Plum Island, the very first time I met a priest was at the ripe age of 19, here at Georgetown. It was spring semester and I was getting around to taking my second theology class, Catholicism in Puerto Rico, which I highly recommend, with […]

Op-ed by Clovis P. Butterworth and Dani Ardor, former graduate student in psychology and current May Queen of the Hårga  **All opinions stated in this article most definitely reflect the opinions of the Heckler editorial board. Winter is coming up and people say it’s cuffing season. I disagree. The only person you should be cuffing […]

GEORGETOWN – The Office of the President has just announced that, due to massive popular demand, all upcoming Parents Weekends will now be replaced with “MILFs And DILFs Weekend”. This announcement comes on the heels of one of the sexiest Parents Weekends to date. The Heckler’s own Bangable Parents Correspondent reported that this year’s Parents […]

The Heckler is proud to present a very special interview with local professional Hawthorn Vlad von Staub, Vampire Hunter. We know our readership is very invested in staying safe from all manner of vampires, dhampirs, shtrigas, vrykolakas, counts, bats, patasolas, jiangshi, and other fanged menaces. Our interviewer ended up discussing modern vampirology, TikTok’s role in […]