RED SQUARE- At a ribbon-cutting ceremony on Thursday, Erin Forthe (SFS ʼ15) broke ground for Georgetownʼs newest student group – The Selective Club. “Weʼre filling an important gap in Georgetownʼs rich social environment,” said Forthe at a press conference. “Who wouldnʼt want to be a part of it?” Forthe went on to stress how impressive […]

LEAVEY CENTER – With allegation pouring in described as “shocking” and “eye opening,” the Georgetown University Student Association secret service has come under fire in the past week for a “perpetual failure to exist.” “These kinds of allegations, if true, place the security of prominent GUSA leaders in jeopardy,” said GUSA President Nate Tisa (SFS […]

NEW SOUTH – At a press conference on Monday, Freshman Mariah Fried (NHS ʼ17) announced plans for the immediate cessation of pleasantries with fellow Freshman Eric Studecar (COL ʼ17). Fried and Studecar, whose sole interaction took place in the form of a ten minute conversation on the weekend of September 28th 2013 at a Prospect […]

The American culture war heated up last week when celebrity science educator, Bill Nye “the Science Guy,” agreed to a debate over the merits of creationism as a viable explanation of human origins. Now tensions have escalated again after Mr. Nye challenged his opponent to a steel cage rematch that will finally decide “once and […]

Displaying a hauntingly agonized countenance, a breaded and flash-fried Leo O’Donovan has entered his third week of promoting the popular “Chicken Finger Thursdays” against his will. The former president of Georgetown University has now stood outside of the dining hall that bears his name for 504 straight hours at the direct order of current President […]

Reynolds Hall- With perilously low temperatures and massive snowfalls leading to class cancellations and limited mobility, Georgetown students have had to do the impossible and network just with their roommates. What was once a promising semester of industry-sponsored meet-and-greets and off-campus informational interviews has devolved into Georgetown’s version of cabin fever; namely exchanging, editing, and […]

Following a recent email from Housing, The Heckler has compiled the recently released data on how the university grants housing points to students. Base points 3 points: Rising sophomores seeking to live on campus. 4 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus. 4.5 points: Rising juniors seeking to live on campus who REEEEALLY want […]

For the 125th consecutive day, Pierce Reading Room has played host to Club Lau, the annual inaugural party in Lauinger Library. Attendance has waxed and waned throughout Club Lau’s 2013-2014 existence, but a core group of bros, awkward freshmen and administrative officials have kept the party going. “This is the kind of rager Georgetown students […]

It resembled something out of a nightmare. Grown men were reduced to flinging themselves at doors bolted shut, uttering cries of anguish before they collapsed into puddles of tears. Women wailed and gnashed their teeth as they rent the clothing upon their breasts. The very sky itself seemed to darken, and the January chill bit […]

During the second of her twice-daily walks to Yates Field House, Georgetown University in-house dietitian Bethany Douglas saw your gelatinous frame struggling to walk up a hill and thought about it for a long time, sources confirmed Thursday. Concluding that your exercise routine is non-existent and that your diet consists solely of suet smothered in […]