Watching with overwhelming sympathy, onlookers inside Leo O’Donovan Hall reported Thursday that as all other listeners shifted to a different conversation, freshman Steve Jacobs (COL ’19) mistakenly made eye contact with a friend telling a story about accounting class, and was trapped listening to the incredibly dull narrative alone. “…and then my professor said ‘Why […]

PORTLAND, OR—After sitting at his desk in uncomfortable sexual arousal for the past 40 minutes, Trinity Academy 7th grader Scott Campbell said that he had to accept that the erection he got at the beginning of class was not going anywhere anytime soon.   According to Campbell, the situation was dire but stable.   “It was […]

BETHLEHEM – Over 2000 years after God sent him to save us, the second coming of Jesus Christ – Son of God – was killed Tuesday in a targeted U.S. drone strike 8km outside the City of Jerusalem.   “Our intel was that 3 or so monarchs from the East were traveling together and were to […]

VILLAGE B — At his debate-watch after-party on Thursday, overly firm handshaker and future face on a GUSA poster Chip Carlington (SFS ‘17) reportedly admitted he could definitely see a future for himself in politics due to his ability to communicate both professionalism and affability with only the grip of his hand.  “What’s he doing? Why is […]

ROCKFORD, IL — Before backing out of her driveway, local mom Lisa Shelton called the attention of her passengers of her Honda Pilot on Thursday to ask if all of them were buckled, according to witnesses present at the scene. “Is everyone buckled? We can’t go to the park unless everyone is buckled,” said Shelton, seemingly […]

In a recent speech delivered about gun control and the mass shootings that have terrorized America during his presidency, President Barack Obama was seen tearing up. But if Obama’s tears are genuine, and not just another one of his liberal ploys to gain political support for his totalitarian regime, then could someone please explain  to […]

PLANO, TX – Snapple Beverages announced Tuesday evening at a press conference a new marketing campaign, ‘Conspiracy Facts’ building off the successful Snapple Facts campaign. “Now, under every bottle cap there will be a fact so shocking and sneaky that it can’t possibly be true…. or is it?” said Snapple’s Press Secretary.   Previews released […]

HEALY HALL — The president’s office issued a formal denial on Saturday in response to growing suspicion within the Georgetown community that a January 7th email from Chris Augostini banning hoverboards was motivated by a recently-posted Vine of University President John DeGioia “eating shit” after trying to step on to a hoverboard. “In the spirit […]

A new FDA study published Thursday warned that the average American should take steps to curb their average soda intake, unless that soda is the “always delicious, always fresh” Dr Pepper or any of its yummy variants.   The report measured over 90 pages long, although the government regulatory agency encourages everyone to read it in […]