GU Fossil Free Aims to Divest From Earthly Bodies
By Anderson Mini-Cooper | March 18, 2015
HEALY CIRCLE – Following the Georgetown Board of Directors’ rejection of their Fossil Fuel Divestment proposal, members of GU Fossil Free announced Wednesday thatthey have set their sights on separating their souls from their bodies in the ultimate act of divestment. “Through concentrated meditation on the Third Eye, we are seeking to transcend our earthly […]
Increased Campus Cracks Wreak Havoc on Mother’s Backs
By Dwigt | March 17, 2015
GEORGETOWN—A combination of increased campus construction and freezing winter temperatures have resulted in the fracturing of many on-campus walkways and sidewalks in the Georgetown neighborhood. “The omnipresent pavement cracks has been devastating for student’s mothers, and thousands have been hospitalized for their shattered vertebrae,” said GUPD Chief Jay Gruber. The sons and daughters of the […]
Mock Trial Prosecutor Haunted by Thoughts of Men He Sent to the Chair
By Ian Cognito | March 16, 2015
LEAVY CENTER – Citing an “overwhelming feeling of mental anguish,” top prosecutor Dermot Moore (COL ’15) has announced that he will take an indefinite leave of absence from the Georgetown University Mock Trial Team. According to Moore, his conscience is in perpetual conflict with the pretend legal system he has sworn to uphold. Midlands, the […]
New GUber App Lets Hoyas Ride Jesuit Golf Carts to Class
By Ian Cognito | March 15, 2015
WOLFINGTON HALL – The familiar sight of golf carts parked outside Georgetown’s Jesuit residence is nowhere in sight. Instead, these ubiquitous vehicles can now be seen shuttling across campus as part of the Office of Planning and Facilities Management’s latest program, GUber. Like the company after which it is named, GUber is an app-based […]
DC Reads Expands to New Foggy Bottom Location
By Brick | March 14, 2015
I STREET NW—Citing its success in helping young students across the District of Columbia, Georgetown DC Reads proudly announced it will now be offering tutoring in a new Foggy Bottom location. The new location is a direct response to the startlingly low levels of literacy that recent studies have discovered in students residing the area […]
Desperate ‘One-Upper’ Resorts to Breeding Horses on Steppes to Outdo Nomadic Tribes
By D. Joya | March 13, 2015
KAZAKHSTAN – Sophomore Jeremy Wills (COL ’17) has transferred to a small encampment in the Kazakh Steppe in order to maintain his ‘one-upping’ habit, through one of Georgetown’s many study abroad programs. After trying to outdo everyone in the greater DC Metropolitan area, Wills reportedly will now try to show the native Kazakh people ‘how […]
ICC 101 overrun by Komodo Dragons
By Brick | March 12, 2015
ICC— In a shocking turn of events, ICC 101 has been completely taken over by a horde of Varanus komodoensis — also known as Komodo dragons. Just how these large predatory lizards invaded the classroom is still unknown, as the University’s crisis investigators have gotten a slow start on the case. “I found dozens of […]
Student Returns Condom to H*yas For Choice
By Insert Pseudonym Here | March 11, 2015
NEW SOUTH- Austin Bell (MSB ’18) reportedly returned a condom to a H*yas For Choice door envelope this past weekend, boasting about his thrifty sensibility. “I pride myself on my lack of wastefulness. I mean, I even recycle my aglets when I no longer need a pair of shoes. So as soon as I […]
The Heckler Reviews: “Chef”
By Una Dentified | March 10, 2015
Chef’s mouthwatering imagery has revived the culinary film genre. It is a scrumptious cinematic triumph – yet it is also largely to blame for my downward spiral into an unfulfilled half-life of food pornography addiction. Just like Carl Casper, Chef’s protagonist played by the dynamic Jon Favreau, I once had a healthy appreciation for […]