STATEN ISLAND — Stating that all that is seen, done, and heard is simply “an ephemeral creation of the subconscious,” a Staten Island jury yesterday unanimously refused to indict a police officer in the choking death of Eric Garner. “A system of morality based on the facade of meaning in our existence is a thoroughly […]

DAHLGREN CHAPEL– In the aftermath of Pope Francis declaring evolution and the big bang theory as truth, the Georgetown Creationist Club has managed to maintain their contempt for science.   “It is certainly a blow to our club, but I believe we can come out of this stronger than before,” said club president Adam Smith […]

THE SALT PONDS OF MARAS —  After a four year search for a study spot that started in the lowly depths of Darnall Hall, student Henry Kirkpatrick (SFS ’15) reported last week he had found a study spot in the salt flats of Maras, Peru.   After four years of walking, ubering, and flying a […]

37th & O ST– This past week the Georgetown academic council was forced to take “drastic action” to combat grade inflation after many Georgetown professors reported that most students were receiving scores in the range of 92% – 97%. The Director of the Academic Council issued a public statement this past Monday, “In an effort […]

  LEAVEY — A small group of students, self-described as “committed to the principles of selfishness,” announced they have won University recognition for their new club TAKES.   According to founder William Hartnell (MSB ‘16), TAKES, which stands for “The Alliance of Kleptomaniacs Encouraging Selfishness,” will be an organization devoted to “promoting that dickish, selfish, […]

  OUTSIDE LEAVEY — Following the closing of another entrance after Thanksgiving break due to continued Northeast Triangle construction, University officials have reported students sole option to enter the Leavey Center is through the window of Todd Olson’s office on the fifth floor.   This controversial move, which the administration claims has been part of […]

HARIRI — Senior Garrett Carter (COL ’15), who recently accepted a federal lobbying position from the Exxon Mobil Corporation, told reporters he is “ready and excited to get out there and be a part of the problem.”   Carter, a government major, said he was acutely aware of the large influence that multi-national corporations have […]

LXR – Six hours after picking up his new guitar from the LXR RHO Junior Thomas Flint (COL ’16) reported himself to the Heckler as the “next Bruce Springsteen”.   Flint described his mastery of the hit-song, Wonderwall (originally by Oasis) to reporters as “arduous” and as an “expression of soul.”   The musician reported […]

ICC — The Intercultural Center convulsed in violence yesterday as realist international relations scholars in the Department of Government invaded the office space of their liberal internationalist colleagues.   Striking swiftly and without warning, the realist professors launched a coordinated assault against the liberals, occupying their offices and annexing them for their own use.   […]

MIDWAY AIRPORT — Saying he was “tired” of fighting for the shared armrest with segments of the obese population and geriatrics, Senior Terrance Levine (MSB ’15) told reporters he’s optimistic that this time he would be locked into an endless struggle over a common armrest with an attractive female. “I’ve flown the Chicago-DC flight at least two […]