YATES FIELD HOUSE— Athletic Department officials at Yates Field House told reporters today that the approximate waiting time for a treadmill at the gym was now four years. With the addition of several dozen underclassman females this weekend, the line finally broke the four year mark and offered new testimony to Georgetown’s health crazed campus. […]

HENLE 44— As the news of the diagnosis of the first case of ebola on American soil, a feeling relief swept through Henle 44 and through David Cartwright (MSB ’17) who has “been having a really rough go about it this semester” in the classroom. After a particularly brutal first few midterms in Elements of […]

PENNSYLVANIA AVE —  The man who jumped the White House fence and entered the building this month “just really, really needed to take a piss,” a Democratic congressman said on Tuesday. Representative Sam Farr (D-MA) told the Georgetown Heckler that he received reliable testimony that suspect Omar Gonzalez, 47, had difficulty finding a bathroom in […]

Monday night, at approximately 10:37 pm, sophomore Kyle Oakpine disappeared while playing intramural football on Kehoe field. Upon noticing his disappearance, fellow Hoyas John Salmon (MSB ’17) and Angelica Weaver (NHS ’17) were noticeably distraught when speaking with school officials. “We told him to stay away from that corner” Angelica stated, “but he just had to […]

THE INTERNET — Early developments have reached the Heckler that an anonymous individual is upset about something on Georgetown Confessions. As early 6 p.m. reports were coming in that a particular post on Georgetown Confessions had a negative tone. While it is still unclear what the content of the post contains, experts are surmising that […]

To the horror of Gilban construction officials and delight of fantasy connoisseurs, Georgetown University came under attack this week after the felling of trees in the Northeast Triangle upset a group of ents. As construction began on a new student dormitory, several trees—among the largest and last remaining on campus—had to be removed from the […]

REISS 284 — Following Professor Howard Feinstein’s Theology in the Third World, students emerged rattled and shaken from the two hour Catholic Studies seminar in the Reiss classroom after Howard uttered a deadly seven word phrase. While the 300-level course initially hummed along in its first hour, Feinstein paused conversation as he transitioned topics to […]

NEW SOUTH — Less than three weeks after the opening of the Healey Family Student Center, sectarian strife among students has gripped much of the area surrounding Library Walk and Prospect Street over rights to nickname the new facility. Following failure from central administration figures to bestow a catchy nickname to the student center, for […]

LAU 2 — The world has been a surprising place for Martin Johnson (COL ’04) following his recent de-thawing from the large block of ice he had been trapped in since he began his abroad in the future program at Georgetown in August 2003. What he claims, however, is the most exciting part of the […]