To combat the new H*yas for Choice Condom Delivery Service, which some fear may lead to an increase in instances premarital sex, Georgetown’s Jesuit community is instituting a new rapid-action Abstinence Convincing Service for parties. The Heckler interviewed the director of the program, Fr. Dennis Holligan, SJ, in his office in Wolfington Hall. His office […]

The following excerpts were stolen from the Office of Student Affairs’s “pending disciplinary action” file by the Heckler’s exclusive News Ninjas: Q. Hi there, peer advisor. I’m a new freshman having problems with preregistration, can you help me out? A. Hi there, freshman. Let’s get one thing straight; I’m not your mommy and I’m absolutely […]

The Georgetown community has been rocked by the controversial emergence of the new club, **** for ******. The organization’s mission statement reads that it is committed to ensuring that all **** have access to ******.  The campus has restricted access to ****** in the past but seems to be relenting given the pressure from a growing […]

Recent events surrounding the Georgetown satellite campus have prompted me to speak directly to the Georgetown student body and university administrators. It is important to do so at a time of insufficient communication between our societies. I was deeply saddened to hear that Georgetown University is contemplating the idea of a satellite campus to meet […]

Editorial Note: We at The Heckler like to consider ourselves paragons of serious, high-minded journalism. But we understand that times are changing. In recent years, sites like Buzzfeed have pioneered a new category of web content: the listicle. Now, The Georgetown Heckler has been called a lot of things over the years — unprofessional, lazy, […]

Georgetown University landmark Lauinger Library has been selected as a primary location for a remake of George Orwell’s 1984, sources confirm. One of two remaining examples of New Brutalist architecture left in the District of Columbia, Lauinger’s unrelenting ugliness perfectly conveys the bleakness of Orwell’s dystopian vision. “It really is our dream location,” the director […]

Georgetown student Connor Thompson (SFS ’17) remains in critical condition at Georgetown University Hospital after suffering a life-threatening series of paper cuts during a recent trip to Red Square. Sources say that Thompson, 18, was walking through Red Square when he was assaulted by a mob of students representing various campus organizations, seeking to provide […]

In a bid to respond to Georgetown’s lack of future student housing and to rekindle America’s long-dormant fascination with space exploration, University administrators have proposed a $500 billion satellite satellite campus, which will rotate in a geosynchronous orbit just beyond Earth’s thermosphere. When pressed on the practicality of such an expensive endeavor, Vice President for […]

When senior SFS students Lawrence Pullman and Olivia Farley met their sophomore year, they didn’t have much in common. From opposite coasts and with completely different family backgrounds, they struggled to find any similarities. But eventually they became infatuated with each other, bonding over their mutual love of hiking and realism. In an interview with […]

Henle- A recently announced change to campus drinking laws allowing for wine and beer to be consumed outdoors in certain areas of Village A and Henle has caused a substantial increase in stoop-originated insults and catcalls. Students walking through both areas have reported numerous instances of being told that their “outline looks damn good,” to […]