In a public statement first reported by Financial Times, CNBC, and dozens of awestruck and concerned onlookers this Wednesday, Domino’s Pizza CEO Richard E. Allison, Jr. shocked tasteless, tight-fisted pizza lovers globally. Allison and other top executives delivered the following address from the front steps of the original Domino’s location in Ypsilanti, Michigan: “Thank you […]

A few years ago I couldn’t have picked one out of a crowd, But now? They’re everywhere! They’ve infiltrated every part of civilized life and it seems like we’re helpless to stop them. What happened to our once great civilization? How have we succumbed to this utterly confusing bunch of low-lifes? I thought us much, […]

Move over, Harry Potter and Twilight! Lines stretch around movie theaters all across the country this week as Half-Bloods line up in anticipation of the premiere of Percy Jackson & The Olympians. The film is set to release this Thursday, August 7, 2013. We know that this five-part film series will be the new Harry […]

MARYLAND COLONY – Bishop John Carroll of the Maryland Colony hath paid in hand seventy-five pounds current money to Colonel William Deakins, Jr. for a plot of land which previously lay barren. Blessed by the Lord, the good bishop encountered this unoccupied territory, devoid both of people and prior historie, and pledged himself to the […]

We here at the Heckler consider ourselves erudite folk, and we take pride in being well-read in all the great classics of world literature. Something we have noticed, however, is that the ending lines of some of those novels have been complete snoozefests. So, we have taken the liberty of improving the closing lines of […]

Recent polls indicate that many Americans are reluctant to get tested for COVID-19 because they do not want to have the testing swab inserted into their nose.  Well, we have news for you, America. That COVID test is not psyched to be going up there either! Is America so bold as to think it is […]

Earlier this morning, Georgetown University administrators announced that in-person classes will resume, effective immediately, in Walsh 392. The announcement, though seemingly an arbitrary reversal of previous decisions, was actually made with serious consideration for the health and safety of our community. President DeGioia wrote in the announcement, “We are continuing to monitor the situation and […]

SFS students, check your emails! The deans of the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service have come out with another jam-packed and happening bulletin, full of exciting and relevant information to give our little lives meaning. The BSFS Globe, probably founded following World War I with the realization of the need for more repetitive […]

Sad news hit the Beyblade community— nay, the world— this week, as the CDC’s most recent study determined that viral particles can, in fact, be passed from one Beyblade top to another. As we all know, Beyblade was originally marketed as an alternative to back-alley chicken fighting and has kept violent teens out of trouble […]