HARBIN– In what some analysts consider an act of war, the FBI has confirmed that North Korean hackers changed Stephen Landa’s (COL ‘18) Facebook status to “poopie.” The hack took place yesterday at approximately 3:07 AM EST. “What the hell?” Landa said. “Now my friends are going to think I’m two years old.” The White […]

SOUTHWEST QUAD – After being physically separated from her friends during the winter break, Katy McGillis (COL ’16) has reportedly missed the first two weeks of classes due to hugging friends she had not seen since the previous semester.  “Oh my God! How are you? I missed you so much,” screamed McGillis as she saw […]

ICC 108— Calling the human mind “a well-intentioned device which is perpetually misused,” Government Professor Dave Santos informed his Women in Politics seminar today he was no longer allowing laptops to be used by students during class. “When the human mind was introduced I was at first optimistic that it could be used for scholarly […]

YATES — Newly hired Men’s Cross-Country Coach Greg Winters expressed disappointment about the team’s performance to reporters after a NCAA tournament Tuesday morning. “Well I thought we’d at least be at the Mississippi at this point in the season, but it seems as if we just keep going in circles. I’d hate to not reach […]

MCCARTHY HALL – Sophomore Ellen Koffman (SFS ’17) announced this week that she has never been more thankful for Martin Luther King Jr.’s contributions to the advancement of long weekends.   In a statement released last Thursday, Koffman stated, “Recent current events have really made me realize how important King’s work toward promoting our basic […]

HARIRI – Last Tuesday, Professor Henry Poltz announced to his class of to-be management executives it was in the department’s best interest that the lower ranking students be let go.   “Due to recent cuts in funding and necessary raises in professor salaries, we have decided to lay off less qualified students. We feel this […]

LAGOS, NIGERIA — In what Amnesty International has described as the “deadliest massacre” in the history of Boko Haram, an estimated 2000 civilians were slaugh- wait, is it Sunday?  Yo, flip the TV to Channel 10, I think that Pats-Seahawks game on today.  You see Marshawn Lynch’s monster touchdown last week?  That dude’s a beast. […]

VILLAGE A – An insider to the Heckler has reported that environmentally friendly student Michael Barnard (MSB ’15) has been using the same exact tissue to clean up after masturbating for almost four straight years.   “I remember arriving in my freshman dorm three and a half years ago, ready to rub one out after […]

ICC 108 – After receiving the new syllabus for Introduction to Sexuality Studies, students reported they were surprised to find that various overtly sexual lab sections had been added to the course. After the hiring of Professor Miranda Hughes, the class has supposedly been restructured to be more “hands on.”   The course, a staple […]