The Georgetown Heckler

Let’s See What Peñalver Does with the Leavey Bridge Before We All Pop Throbbing Boners for Him

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Despite recent efforts to improve student social libido, many students still hold mixed opinions on new Georgetown President Eduardo Peñalver. 

“Not sure about him,” Richard Pecker (COC ‘28) ejaculated to the Heckler while sporting a semi. “I remember Groves last year—undressing the Copley Lawn? Royal Jacket on Saturdays? Cum. Cum. Cum everywhere.” […]

Concerned White Ally Joins Anti-ICE Walkout On Behalf of Family’s Cleaning Lady

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Hundreds of residents in Northwest D.C. hit the streets in protest of ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) actions. Amidst the kidnappings, murders, and violation of immigrants’ human rights, many white Americans decided to show their solidarity to their beloved immigrant communities. One Heckler reporter interviewed protestors on the scene. Joe P. (Age 22), wearing a […]

Vatican Express-Writes 34 Permits for “Boy Aquarium” Construction, Orders 50,000 Pounds of Chlorine Instead of Hockey Sticks

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When you think of a Papal Audience, the last two words that probably come to mind are “Boy Aquarium.” But last week, Pope Leo, in his worsening English, stumbling through his statement, told us to expect the unexpected.  The Heckler’s initial reaction: “I guess a hockey rink would be pretty funny in the Vatican.” Due […]

The Unforeseen Dangers of AI: Wife and Children Gone; Goodbye Note Clearly Written by ChatGPT.

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My wife and kids are gone and all I have left is this shitty goodbye letter that was obviously produced by ChatGPT. When I woke up to find that my wife had taken my two children and fled into the night, I wasn’t just surprised; I was disappointed:“Here’s the heartfelt and concise letter you asked […]

“Uh Yeah So I’m Actually Planning To Major in URSA”: 6 Signs Your Roommate Might Be a Bear

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Feeling Gender Envy? Here Are 5 Ways To Transform Your Speaking Voice Into RFK Jr’s!

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Haven’t we all wished we sounded a little cooler, a little sultrier, and just plain hot as fuck? Whether you identify with the sex you were assigned at birth or not, you can admit that we all feel a little gender envy sometimes (or is that just me ahahaha). SO! FEAR NOT! We have 5 […]

14 Dead, 20 Injured, Countless Traumatized: Joint Tombs Night of Two Hecklers Got Real Wild When I.M. Randy Showed Up

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This past Friday was no regular Friday for two Hecklers, Ranth Rue and Rufus Wheeler Peckham. But no one knew how abnormal it would become.  The two Hecklers, intending to rejoice in the lead-up to their 21st, had their plans wildly disrupted when a third Heckler, I.M. Randy, arrived at the function.  Randy barreled through […]

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