The Georgetown Heckler

“Our Prayers Have Been Answered!” In Response to Student Outrage Over Administration’s Apathy Toward Pressing On-Campus Political Issues, Georgetown Releases New Laundry App

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As many students already know, over the past few months, Georgetown has been wracked with one crisis after another, including issues relating to hate crimes, lack of access to healthcare, and unsanitary food conditions. This has led to increasing pressure by students for the University to address its problematic social and political legacy. But the […]

Rabbits Please Stand By: In Rare Astronomical Anomaly, Lunar New Year Brings 234th Consecutive Year of the Rat to Georgetown University

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The Year of the Rabbit will unfortunately not apply to the hilly banks of the Potomac where Georgetown University’s campus is located. According to scholars, because the moon’s light hits the campus at a 71.31° angle and the lateral velocity of the moon is a steady 6.7 km/s, the 104 acre campus is stuck in […]

Holy Trinity Elementary School Asks that Next Year’s Cardinal O’Connor Conference be Hosted At Least 2000 Ft. Away from School

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Holy Trinity Elementary School, located just one block from Georgetown’s main campus, has filed an official request with the Cardinal O’Connor Conference, demanding that next year’s conference be hosted at a location at least as far or farther than the distance sex offenders are required to maintain from schools as per federal and district statutes. […]

“Yes, Officer! That’s Him!” Everyone in Class Knows You’re Holding in Your Poop

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WHITE GRAVENOR 204: “Yes, officer! That’s him! That’s the sick fuck that has been holding in her poop for 25 minutes in class.” God, you make us all sick. You thought you were slick holding in your poop like that? Holding it right in your butt? Disgusting. Everyone in class saw through your twisted little […]

Snort! Sniff! Honk! Student Cannot Resist Blowing Nose at Maximum Volume Every Class

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A dreary December morning. A chorus of muffled coughs. This 9am theology class was like any other. That was, until Stephen Honkerton (SFS ‘26) took a seat. Within moments, Honkerton’s peers saw him reach for the still-damp handkerchief in his pocket, and raise it to his nose.  SNOOOORT!!!! SNIFF!!!!! HOOOOOONKKKKKK!! No amount of onomatopoeia could […]

Mandela Effect? I Thought the Berenstain Bears were a Polycule Not a Nuclear Family

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Oscar Mayer, not Oscar Meyer. Looney Tunes, not Looney Toons. A nuclear family of bears, not an age-play polycule. Everybody experiences this feeling once in a while. Something you were so certain was real—like the powerful polyamorous love shared between four fictional bears—turns out to be only a false memory. I hadn’t thought about the […]

Turfucken: This Thanksgiving, I Fucked The Turkey

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Stuffing? Check. Gravy? Check. I didn’t pull out and it felt great. I’m definitely taking this recipe down for next Thanksgiving, and the one after that, and the one after that. If only it was socially acceptable to fuck the turkey on the other 364 days of the year. If it was, you bet this […]

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