Vatican Express-Writes 34 Permits for “Boy Aquarium” Construction, Orders 50,000 Pounds of Chlorine Instead of Hockey Sticks
By Mary Oliver Twist, ɎV₦₲ JØ₴ⱧɄ₳
When you think of a Papal Audience, the last two words that probably come to mind are “Boy Aquarium.” But last week, Pope Leo, in his worsening English, stumbling through his statement, told us to expect the unexpected. The Heckler’s initial reaction: “I guess a hockey rink would be pretty funny in the Vatican.” Due […]
The Unforeseen Dangers of AI: Wife and Children Gone; Goodbye Note Clearly Written by ChatGPT.
By Associated Press NewsWire
My wife and kids are gone and all I have left is this shitty goodbye letter that was obviously produced by ChatGPT. When I woke up to find that my wife had taken my two children and fled into the night, I wasn’t just surprised; I was disappointed:“Here’s the heartfelt and concise letter you asked […]
Five Best Rope Knots for When You Call Someone Your “Best Friend” and They Call You Their “Good Friend”
By U.S. Senator Mike Crapo R-ID
We’ve all been there: You’re walking with a friend of yours—one you might even say is your “best friend”—and when you two run into Professor Grimm, who asks how you know each other, you each simultaneously give two different answers. Two answers that differ in letter by only one word but differ in spirit by […]
BREAKING: Dylan Partner Spotted on the Grassy Knoll
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT, ChatCBT
Witnesses report seeing Dylan Partner, 22, at the Grassy Knoll at 12:31 this past Friday, November 22, 1963. Reports state he was seemingly calm, lounging with an umbrella under the Texan sun. However, this is where the clarity ends, as conflicting accounts attest he was either skipping and humming away from the scene after the […]
Live Fast, Die Young: Sophomore Whose Fake Worked at Tombs Doesn’t Think It Gets Better Than This
By Duchess Barbara Knittingford of Hartford, CT
Twenty people. Ten. Five. Fuck. Gavin Toodle (CAS ‘27) is now next in line at Tombs. He’s young for his year—only just turned 19. And he doesn’t even have one of those fuckass rich people Euro fakes that confuse the bouncers. He’s with his best friends, Mark Wafflehome, 20, and Peter Childs, 19. One after […]