GEORGETOWN, DC – While standing in line to see the popular new film Fifty Shades of Grey, a local girl was overheard telling friends how disgusting pornography is. “Porn objectifies women, and it creates really unrealistic expectations for sex,” the girl stated loudly to friends also waiting to see the film, which is rated R […]
SELLINGER LOUNGE – Violent clashes erupted throughout campus last night as ROTC cadets stormed Healy Hall and the Georgetown University Student Association offices in Sellinger in an apparent coup of the student government. Students studying in UG witnessed the ROTC cadets parading through Sellinger, brandishing blue plastic rifles and ordering students to drop their coffees and crouch […]
POTOMAC RIVER—This weekend Georgetown Sailing coach Michael Callahan announced that the team had contracted three cases of the disease scurvy aboard the SS Cura Personalis. Callahan said the cases came about after 3 months on seas as the ship was sailing through the Philippine Sea. “You know, we try to keep incidence of the […]
HARBIN — As the calendar marches steadily through October, Hoyas from Southern California have reported that temperatures have dipped below freezing. Students from this area said they have been monitoring the situation for “some time” and now are ready to conclusively declare the temperature as having moved south of the freezing point. The initial reaction […]
HEALY HALL — After an increasing number of students have disrespected the school seal by walking on it, the Georgetown Board of Directors met recently to discuss a more reputable replacement to the archaic symbol. While “nothing is certain yet,” the Vineyard Vines Whale has arisen many times in the conversation as a more identifiable […]
WHITE-GRAVENOR — Citing the need for more research to make a better campus, the administration announced that they will be sending out a survey about surveys. Recent data suggests that the number of surveys the administration has used has shown exponential growth while student interest in surveys according to a recently conducted survey […]
After a fire was reported in a townhouse on the 3400 block of Prospect, residents were mystified by the lack of official help. As flames engulfed the building, the only visible aid came from two students who attempted to pour half drunk beers on the fire, and one extremely drunk girl who spit on the […]
NEVILS — Seven hours before Matt Claiborne (COL ’16) was set to throw a birthday party for his best friend Jared O’Neill (SFS ’15), he heard a forceful knock on his door. After Claiborne failed to open the door within 30 seconds, two Georgetown Police Officers broke down his Nevils’ door to enter the apartment, shouting […]
RED SQUARE — Junior Lee Presser (MSB ’16) has reportedly brought together a group of 35 students to create the new student group “Georgetown University Association For Various Student Activities and Other Associated Associations of Acronyms,” or GUAFVSAOAAA for short. When asked why he created the group, Presser angrily responded, “I’m sick and tired of […]
Monday night, at approximately 10:37 pm, sophomore Kyle Oakpine disappeared while playing intramural football on Kehoe field. Upon noticing his disappearance, fellow Hoyas John Salmon (MSB ’17) and Angelica Weaver (NHS ’17) were noticeably distraught when speaking with school officials. “We told him to stay away from that corner” Angelica stated, “but he just had to […]