Devyn
Writer
Man Sprinting Up Rosslyn Escalator Still Can’t Outrun Unspeakable Past
By Devyn | March 4, 2015
ROSSLYN METRO- Failing to recognize the futility of reaching ground level in escaping a world as wicked as this, local man Jeremy Bodian recently sprinted up Rosslyn’s escalator at a breakneck pace despite the unremitting demons of his gruesome past. “That escalator is frickin’ huge. As soon as I saw it, I was like, ‘you […]
Admissions Rate Falls to 0.03% as Georgetown Only Accepts Cast of Cheers
By Devyn | February 9, 2015
WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to create a more intimate campus climate “where everybody knows your name,” Georgetown’s Office of Undergraduate Admissions (GOUA) recently announced that the Class of 2019 will consist solely of the season four starring cast of Cheers. According to GOUA records, six individuals were admitted to the Class of 2019, […]
Drunken John Boehner Invites Drunken John Boehner to Speak at Joint Session of Ex-Girlfriend’s Wedding
By Devyn | January 28, 2015
HILTON GARDEN INN CHAPEL- In an unprecedented move said to undermine “that bitch Linda” and her attempts at peacefully negotiating holy matrimony, an inebriated Speaker of the House John Boehner invited himself Saturday to speak at the wedding of his ex-girlfriend Linda Schwartz. “Yeah, I gotta little ‘objection,’ Mr. Priest. Linda, Linda is a liar […]
Boko Haram Massacres 2,000 Civ- Oh, Look, the Game’s On!
By Devyn | January 17, 2015
LAGOS, NIGERIA — In what Amnesty International has described as the “deadliest massacre” in the history of Boko Haram, an estimated 2000 civilians were slaugh- wait, is it Sunday? Yo, flip the TV to Channel 10, I think that Pats-Seahawks game on today. You see Marshawn Lynch’s monster touchdown last week? That dude’s a beast. […]
Sophomore Reminds Self Not to Sleep with Cute Girl at Vita Saxa Table
By Devyn | December 9, 2014
RED SQUARE—Noting that there are many other, less-likely-to-carry-unwelcome-responsibility-to-full-term fish in the sea, sophomore Ben Storch (Col ’16) reportedly reminded himself Tuesday not to sleep with that cute girl tabling for Vita Saxa. “She can believe what she wants, I’m a feminist after all, but taking that girl back to my dorm is seriously tempting fate,” […]
An Open Letter to George Washington’s “The Rival DC”
By Devyn | December 8, 2014
As I write this op-ed from the crammed bowels of Locker 594B, my head drenched in piss water from my most recent swirly and my underwear torn from yet another serving of Wedgies By Brad, Fairfax High School Football Hunk®, I find myself looking back on your recent pernicious article and asking, WTF George Washington […]
Increasingly Paranoid Registrar Demands Tuition Paid in Bitcoin
By Devyn | November 13, 2014
WHITE-GRAVENOR — In an attempt to “not let the New World Order destroy us like it has the rest of the country,” Georgetown University registrar Jessica Maloney has requested that all tuition bills be paid with anonymous and deregulated cryptocurrency Bitcoin. In an email sent early Thursday morning, Maloney explained her decision to collect […]
Lecture by 850-Ton Engine Cancelled after Gaston Stage Deemed “Structurally Unsound”
By Devyn | November 10, 2014
GASTON — Telling reporters that the event would be rescheduled following renovations to improve Gaston Hall Stage’s structural integrity, Lecture Fund President Georgio Perry (SFS ’15) announced Thursday that the upcoming lecture by an 850-Ton Engine is cancelled until further notice. “If Gaston can’t handle 1,700,000 lbs. of steam turbine power, then so be it,” […]
Construction Worker Rolls Wheelchair-Bound Student into Bottomless Pit
By Devyn | October 29, 2014
REISS — In a landmark defeat for students with disabilities on campus, construction worker Jason Ader rolled wheelchair-bound sophomore Alex Tirole (MSB ’17) into a bottomless pit. The incident occurred last Tuesday as Tirole passed the Reiss Walkway construction site. Ader, shouting that Tirole was “moving too slowly” and that “the reckoning hath cometh”, […]