The ongoing saga of Mr. Whiskers’ sudden and untimely demise that has divided the small suburban community of Pleasant Hill, Iowa has finally been put to rest. After ruling it highly unlikely that curiosity played a major role in the gruesome event, the prevailing hypothesis among experts is that the Chevy Traverse that ran Mr. […]

GEORGETOWN – Building on the momentum of the wildly successful cashless campaign implemented earlier this year, Corp CEO Jacob Saunderson (COL ’18) recently announced that effective immediately, the Corp has transitioned to being completely moneyless. “After noticing that we never seem to have any money anyway, it was an easy logistical call,” said Saunderson. “Without having to worry about […]

GEORGETOWN– Closed after what was reported as a ‘steam leak,’ the Kober-Cogan Building, which was named after former dental school Dean William Cogan, was demolished Wednesday, releasing a chilling whisper at its untimely demise. “The dental school shall rise again…” hissed a sinister voice as a cold wind rushed out of the last ruined debris of the […]

Last week, Stephen Holloway (COL ‘19) was finally able to connect to SaxaNet after years of effort, but was immediately thwarted by a system failure caused by a fire at the facility. The incident occurred on Wednesday morning when Stephen entered the fourth floor of Lauinger Library and opened up his laptop to study economics. […]

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Maryland’s third congressional district was rattled by scandal this past week, as a slight gerrymandering mishap forced up-for- reelection Congressman John Sarbanes to begin courting an unexpected constituency: 13,234 harbor seals. This marine voting bloc of Phoca vitulina, or “the common seal,” had been accidentally tacked onto Maryland’s 3rd back in 2010 […]

WASHINGTON – Recent reports from the Georgetown Economics department may have devastating implications for Stephen, who according to the most recent data, is suffering devastating losses in demand for his opinions, contributions, and overall physical presence in his friend group. Trends indicate that this market will continue to crash until rock bottom, but we will let our […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A club wide email was circulated late on Sunday which, among other matters, asked for volunteers to lead this semester’s Knights of Columbus spring retreat whose goals are stated as “team-building, mentorship, and Jerusalem.” The retreat’s organizer Richard “The Lionheart” Wagner assured the Heckler that the program would not get caught up […]

WASHINGTON – Officials at the Federal Reserve released a statement tonight conceding that some of their high-security underground gold vaults may, in fact, be full of those little chocolate coins they make, you know, the ones that come in those mesh orange bag things, because the reality of the fiduciary job in question is one […]

Stephen Holloway (COL ‘18) was left feeling lonelier than ever today when not even the automatic sink would notice him. After nearly seven and a half minutes spent waving his sudsy palms in front of the sensor without response, Stephen was forced to come to terms with his own irrelevance. The situation escalated later that […]

NEW SOUTH HALL – Friends of new couple Jack Rodgers and Donna Goodwin have called authorities to report a potentially dangerous situation developing. Due to the relationship’s hasty creation and the fact that the couple’s entire friend group is based on collectively living on the same floor, police chief Jay Gruber has advised all students to remain clear of New South […]