Last week, Stephen Holloway (COL ‘19) was finally able to connect to SaxaNet after years of effort, but was immediately thwarted by a system failure caused by a fire at the facility. The incident occurred on Wednesday morning when Stephen entered the fourth floor of Lauinger Library and opened up his laptop to study economics. […]

ANNAPOLIS, MD – Maryland’s third congressional district was rattled by scandal this past week, as a slight gerrymandering mishap forced up-for- reelection Congressman John Sarbanes to begin courting an unexpected constituency: 13,234 harbor seals. This marine voting bloc of Phoca vitulina, or “the common seal,” had been accidentally tacked onto Maryland’s 3rd back in 2010 […]

WASHINGTON – Recent reports from the Georgetown Economics department may have devastating implications for Stephen, who according to the most recent data, is suffering devastating losses in demand for his opinions, contributions, and overall physical presence in his friend group. Trends indicate that this market will continue to crash until rock bottom, but we will let our […]

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A club wide email was circulated late on Sunday which, among other matters, asked for volunteers to lead this semester’s Knights of Columbus spring retreat whose goals are stated as “team-building, mentorship, and Jerusalem.” The retreat’s organizer Richard “The Lionheart” Wagner assured the Heckler that the program would not get caught up […]

WASHINGTON – Officials at the Federal Reserve released a statement tonight conceding that some of their high-security underground gold vaults may, in fact, be full of those little chocolate coins they make, you know, the ones that come in those mesh orange bag things, because the reality of the fiduciary job in question is one […]

Stephen Holloway (COL ‘18) was left feeling lonelier than ever today when not even the automatic sink would notice him. After nearly seven and a half minutes spent waving his sudsy palms in front of the sensor without response, Stephen was forced to come to terms with his own irrelevance. The situation escalated later that […]

NEW SOUTH HALL – Friends of new couple Jack Rodgers and Donna Goodwin have called authorities to report a potentially dangerous situation developing. Due to the relationship’s hasty creation and the fact that the couple’s entire friend group is based on collectively living on the same floor, police chief Jay Gruber has advised all students to remain clear of New South […]

While every God-fearing student of Georgetown mourns the results of the recent GUSA election, one widely regarded as having been tampered with, one pair of students is in high spirits, despite these dark times. Sahil Nair (‘19) and Naba Rahman (‘19) spent the wee hours of this morning counting their reward for betraying the Son […]

With pressure mounting on the Oscars committee to address the recent avalanche of sexual assault allegations in Hollywood, President John Bailey announced yesterday his plan to establish a new category: Best Apology by a Man in a Position of Power. In a press conference that took place in the late afternoon, Bailey said, “It’s about […]

THE HEAVENS – Hunter Estes and Richard Howell. Honorable Catholics, Knights of Columbus: I, Jesus Christ, the Son of Man, King of Kings, thank you for your service in the name of the Lord. Your faith in me shall be rewarded at the end of times. But the GUSA Executive is not for you, my […]