GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY PRESS – College Dean Edmund Ralph was pleased to find out earlier today that his memoir, “A Complete Set of My Walk-In Hours, M-F, 1998-2017” was officially added to the Georgetown University Press’ slate for spring publications. “Well, of course it’s a dream come true!” Ralph commented, dusting off his hands on his […]

Maybe you’ve already told him how you feel. Maybe you haven’t quite worked up the courage. With Valentine’s Day just hours away, the Heckler has all the information you need to give your crush, Todd Olson, the Valentine’s Day of his dreams.   The Flowers Ok- call us old fashioned, but there really is just no […]

The Editorial Board is proud and excited to announce that Georgetown Students for More Hammocks – the inspirational grassroots student group leading the charge in providing GU students the care and leisure they deserve – has officially endorsed Jesus Christ for GUSA President in 2018. According to the campaign, this decision was reached after the […]

        ON THE WEB – According to recent insider reports from Intro to Linguistics, Anonymous Chupacabra is completely dominating a presentation group’s Google doc. The source of this information prefers to remain under the alias “Anonymous Liger”, but is confirmed to have legitimate access to the document in question. The group consists of five students, none […]

Politics today have revealed the darkest side of our human nature. The political sphere on all levels is almost irreparably plagued by pride, self-interest, greed, hate, sin – and what’s more, our elected officials seek to drag their loyal constituents into the lowest echelons of hell along with them as they pursue their pagan agendas. […]

OUTER SPACE – Following SpaceX’s momentous launch of the Falcon Heavy rocket this afternoon, local Martian Sator Throg announced to his friends that their Uber would be arriving in approximately one billion light years. “Ugh. I definitely thought about cancelling,” reported Throg, “but the Tesla roadster attached to Earth’s most powerful rocket ever launched was […]

SASKATCHEWAN – The Union of Galleria’s met for their third annual “State of the Galleria” conference at their headquarters in Canada’s third smallest province. Many gallerias were discussed, from the Pemaqua City Galleria and Mall to Yorktown’s Crystal Galleria (a foodcourt). The last item of discussion was Georgetown University’s Intercultural Center Galleria. “It is not […]

WASHINGTON – Amidst a flood of analyses and news reports concerning President Trump’s State of the Union address last night, one particular perspective was published live from the event by its chairs, who succinctly concluded: “OUCH. Relief. OUCH. Relief.” “The night definitely had its ups and downs,” stated the report. “Each time they stood, it was a wave […]